Pet Peeve Page 20

  "She is teasing you," Vertex said.

  "The vixen does that."

  "So you see, my options are limited," Gwenny said. "I fear I am doomed to a bad marriage, for the sake of my mound. At least these past few days I have had a pleasant association with an unassuming goblin male. I will cherish the memory."

  "It's not necessarily finished," Cynthia said. "We told you that Goody, too, has a secret."

  "He's a real clam!"

  "We wanted you to get to know Goody first," Che said. "Rather than as the son of a chief."

  "What?" Gwenny asked.

  "You heard, dottle ears!"

  "So if you didn't like him, you could let him go without considering his lineage," Cynthia said. "That's more romantic."

  Gwenny focused on Goody. "You never said a word!"

  "He's a dummy!"

  "I'm not proud of it," Goody said. "They don't want me at my mound."

  "But then you qualify!"

  "Qualify for what? I'll never govern there."

  "You don't have to! You just have to be of chiefly lineage. You could come to Goblin Mountain, where you would be respected. Your home mound would have to accept the liaison, by goblin custom."

  "We had something of the sort in mind, if it worked out," Cynthia said.

  The two goblins stared at each other. The parody made vulgar kissing and smacking noises.

  "I believe we should redefine our association," Gwenny said. "From business to social."

  "But I never intended such a thing!"

  She smiled. "You may not have a choice. As the ranking goblin, being a chief rather than a chief's offspring, I have the prerogative of proposing a liaison, if I find it expedient. You would then have to accept or decline. Do you think you could decline?"

  "Ha ha ha!"

  "I—" He would not be able to decline, and she knew it. Even the peeve knew it.

  "But I am not yet certain that such a liaison is appropriate," she said. "So I am not putting you to that question. But I reserve the right to do so, at my convenience."

  "Of course," he said weakly.

  "Now can we be friends?"

  He hesitated. "I don't think so. Not now."

  "Haw haw haw!"

  "I mean boy and girl friends. Dating."

  Oh. "If you wish."

  "Then we can kiss openly."

  "I'm not sure that's wise."

  She stepped into him, put her arms around him, and drew him in close. She was all softness and niceness. "All you have to do is tell me no," she murmured. "You do have that prerogative, during the courtship."

  "Tell her to buzz off, weak knees!"

  She drew his head down. "Are you saying no?"

  "No!" Then he corrected himself, embarrassed. "I mean, I'm not saying no."

  "That's what I thought." She put her face to his and kissed him on the mouth, sweetly and lingeringly. Little hearts flew out so hard they ruffled the parody and smacked into the surrounding trees.

  When he recovered, he was lying on a bed of grass someone had provided, gazing blankly at the sky.

  "You should have put up more of a fight, mush mind," the parody reproved him.

  "I couldn't fight," he said, sitting up.

  Hannah came across to help him stand. "You never had a chance, once she oriented on you. The centaurs were smart to hide your chiefly lineages from each other, or we'd have gotten nothing done."

  She was probably correct. "Hannah, you're a woman. Can you tell me—"

  "She's not a woman, she's a slut in a tin can."

  Hannah didn't bother to correct the bird about the distinction between metallic armor and a tin can. "Yes, she likes you, and means to marry you. But two things hold her back: she wants to be sure it would be good for Goblin Mountain, and she wants to give you more time to get over Go-Go."

  Go-Go! She had been well away from his mind, amazingly. "How can I even consider—what would Go-Go think?"

  "We already know she would want you to be happy, Goody. And Gwenny can do that. I have talked with the centaurs. She really is a nice person, quite apart from being a chief. So I think you will have to relegate Go-Go to the past, with no disrespect. Gwenny is your future, if she chooses to be."

  So it seemed. "Thank you."

  "As if you helped, cave girl."

  "If we knew your gender, peeve, we might find a mate for you too," the barbarian said evenly. That shut the bird up for the moment.

  "Now we need to see about recruiting the dragons," Goody said.

  "Vortex and Vertex are already on it. They feel responsible for bringing the robots. They were tricked too."

  They rejoined the others, who were holding a dialogue. Gwenny beckoned, and he went to her without question. She took his hand. "We think the naga should be the next recruited, or the harpies. We can't decide. What do you think?"

  That was tough, because goblins had had many wars with both species. "Do we have any contacts who might help?"

  "Princess Nada Naga," Che said. "She could also help with the demons."

  "But they're an entirely different species."

  "She married a demon prince, forming an interspecies alliance," Cynthia said. "They have a child."

  Oh. "Then maybe we should seek her first. I know we'll have to approach the harpies too, but they give me the creeps."

  "They are foul birds," Gwenny agreed, giving his hand a squeeze. "But perhaps Gloha Goblin-Harpy will help us there."

  He vaguely remembered. "Gloha would be a crossbreed? Between a goblin and a harpy?"

  "Yes. She looks like a winged goblin girl. She married an invisible giant."

  "Ho ho ho!"

  "This is no joke, peeve," Che said. "Magician Trent transformed the giant to a winged goblin male, and they are starting a new species of winged monster."

  "Then she seems like another good contact," Goody agreed. "We'd better get on it, because those robots are surely multiplying."

  "They are," Che said. "But they haven't found Iron Mountain yet. They could have, had they had the wit to befriend and question the right living creatures. But they don't think the way living folk do, and that limits them. But they are steadily canvassing, and it can't be long before they find it. That will be the end."

  They got on it. The centaurs flew them to the naga tunnels near Goblin Mountain. Gwenny rode behind Goody again, wrapping her arms around him for security, she said. He felt her softness against his back, and wondered whether she had to cling quite that closely, but could hardly object.

  "Yes, I am being seductive," she murmured. "I am trying to fathom what marriage to you would be like. I have not had a fraction of the experience with the opposite gender that you have."

  "Hee hee hee!"

  She nevertheless controlled their relationship, as the bird understood. He was delightfully powerless.

  A cloud of smoke appeared, pacing them. "What have we hearken?"

  "Look what the wind blew in: a stinking ball of smog."

  "Have we what?" Goody asked.

  "Sound, noise, blare, racket, listen—"

  "Hear?"

  "Whatever," the cloud agreed crossly.

  "Fade out, Metria," Gwenny snapped. "That's a homonym, not a synonym."

  "A what?"

  "A word that sounds the same, but means something else," Gwenny said. "What you wanted was 'here': 'What have we here?' not 'hear.'"

  "How the bleep can you hear the difference between hear and here?" the peeve demanded rhetorically.

  "You know Metria?" Goody asked Gwenny, belatedly surprised.

  "We all know the demoness," Cynthia said. "Wherever something interesting is happening, she pokes her nose in."

  "And sometimes sets up embarrassing confusions," Gwenny said.

  "But there's nothing interesting here," Goody protested. "We're just flying to see the naga folk."

  "Hoohoohoo!"

  "The bird's right," the cloud said, forming into a face. "Gwenny's seducing another innocent man. Naturally I had
to investigate."

  "Another?" Goody said, before thinking.

  He felt Gwenny's flush against his back. "She told me a human man was a prince looking for a match, three years ago. He wasn't."

  "Wasn't a prince, or wasn't looking for a match?"

  "Wasn't either one," she said. "Can we drop this?"

  "And Surprise Golem had already spoken for him," Metria said smugly.

  Goody fathomed that this had been a considerable embarrassment. So he decided to get rid of the demoness. "As it happens, we have an important mission," he said. "We need to contact the demons, to enlist their aid. You would be ideal to—"

  He broke off, because she was gone.

  "Thank you," Gwenny said, giving him a squeeze.

  They came toward a mountain. A winged dragon circled it and came toward them, but neither centaur lifted a bow. "That's Draco," Cynthia explained. "We know him from winged monster conventions. He knows we wouldn't try to molest his mountain den."

  The dragon came close enough to recognize them, did a wings wigwag, and flew away.

  They landed on a strip near the base of the mountain. There was a shelf cut into the mountain slope, piled with folded cloth and clothing. "What are those rags for?" the peeve demanded.

  Cynthia smiled. "You'll see in a moment."

  A large snake slithered up, and formed a human head. "Who are you?"

  "Who wants to know, fang face?"

  "That's an obnoxious talking bird," Cynthia said quickly. "Ignore it."

  "Che and Cynthia Centaur," Che said, answering the challenge. "Bringing Goody and Gwenny Goblin to see Nada Naga."

  "The princess does not see goblins."

  Gwenny jumped down. "Are you sure, naga?"

  The naga took a better look at her, and bowed his head. "Apology, Chief. I did not make the connection." He slithered into a hole.

  Soon another snake appeared. This one formed a lovely female head with a small crown. "Welcome, Gwenny! Cover me while I change."

  Gwenny looked to Hannah. "Would you bring a cloth, please? You are tall enough."

  Hannah picked up a section of cloth and spread it to mask the naga. A breathtakingly lovely human woman head appeared above the cloth, her body moving intriguingly behind the shroud as she garbed herself.

  Then she stepped out in fully human form, in princessly garb, lovely in every nuance. "Hello, visitors. I am Princess Nada Naga. Of course I know Che, Cynthia, and Chief Gwenny, but don't believe I have had the pleasure with Hannah or Goody."

  "You missed one, serpent shank."

  "Or the bird," Nada added with a quirk of her lips. She was another female who could evidently tame demons with a smile, and the parody was silenced.

  "Hannah Barbarian is along to guard Goody Goblin, because the peeve tends to get him in trouble," Gwenny said. "Goody is trying to find a good home for the bird, but it seems to be difficult to place." She kept her face straight for a moment; then they both laughed.

  "The children might be interested," Nada said. She turned her head. "Ted! Monica!"

  Two nine-year-old children appeared, literally: they did not run or walk, but manifested in place. One was a naughty-looking boy in shorts, the other a naughty-looking girl in a short skirt.

  "This is Demon Ted, Metria's son," Nada said, cupping the back of the boy's head with one hand. "And this is DeMonica, my daughter. Ted is half human, having a human father, and Monica is a quarter human. Their demon ancestry enables them to change forms and do some tricks. We take turns babysitting them, as they like to be together."

  "Can we go play now?" Ted demanded impatiently.

  "We've got a spring," Monica said.

  "First say hello to the parody."

  Both children glanced at the bird, plainly bored.

  "What's it to you, brat britches?"

  Two expressions changed, becoming interested. "Come on, poop feathers," Ted said, lifting one arm.

  The peeve hopped to that arm. "Is that mess your hair, or did you lose a gutter mop?" the boy's voice demanded of the girl.

  Both children giggled. "My turn," Monica said, lifting an arm.

  The parody hopped across. "Your mother's a stinky cloud!" her voice said. "And she garbles her interjections."

  "Her whats?" Ted asked.

  "Declarations, enunciations, verbalizations, assertions, briefings—"

  "Words?"

  "Whatever," the peeve agreed crossly.

  There were more giggles as they moved away. "Stay in sight!" Nada called.

  "Awww," three voices said together.

  They squatted by a patch of turf and brought out their spring. This was a bouncy metal coil that splashed as it bounced. Soon there was a depression in the soil, filled with water. "Their new toy," Nada said. "A magic spring."

  "Something I've wondered about," Hannah said.

  "Yes?"

  "When demons marry mortals, don't they get half souls?"

  "Yes. Vore got half of mine, but of course mine regenerated in time. He is limited to his half, however."

  "And your children?"

  "Monica started out with a quarter soul, half of my half. But because she's part human, that regenerated, so now she has a full soul of her own. The same is true for Ted. He got half a soul from Metria, leaving her with a quarter soul. But now his soul is complete. The children tease each other about what fraction of a soul each has, but it's not so."

  "That's what I wondered. Thank you."

  "Welcome, Barbarian." Then Nada got serious. "Surely the bird is not the only reason for your visit."

  "Your turn, Goody," Gwenny said.

  "There is a serious menace to Xanth," he said. "Goblin-sized metal machines called robots are mining all the iron they can find to make more of themselves, and overrunning the land. We're afraid they'll push out all the other species if we don't stop them before they reach Iron Mountain. So we need all the help we can get. The goblins have signed up, and the centaurs, and maybe the dragons, but we'd like to have the naga too, and the demons."

  "How do you propose to stop them?"

  "There doesn't seem to be any way other than bashing them into junk mental," Goody said. "They aren't alive; they don't have feelings. All they do is make more robots."

  Nada nodded. "Dear," she said.

  There was a swirl of smoke that coalesced into a handsome male demon. "You conjured me, beloved?"

  "This is my husband, Prince Demon Vore," Nada said to the others. "D. Vore has a considerable appetite."

  "And I can't wait to get her alone," Vore said.

  "He's never sated," Nada said, flushing fashionably.

  "You dumbbells can't spell," the parody said. "That should be D. Vour."

  "Depart," Vore said firmly. The bird fled back to the children. "Dear, we need the demons to fight the robots."

  "If there's a good fight to be had, we're for it."

  Nada clarified the situation. "You tackle your father the king, and I'll tackle mine." He vanished.

  "Keep an eye on the children," Nada said, and shifted to full serpent form. Her gown was now a pile of cloth on the ground as she slithered away.

  "I'll watch them," Hannah said, and walked to where the children were dunking themselves in the growing spring.

  "So far so good," Gwenny said. "But time is surely short. We need to enlist the harpies, elves, and ogres. They're the last of the populous species of Xanth."

  "What about the walking skeletons?"

  "They're largely confined to the gourd realm. The robots won't go there, having no minds to dream with."

  She was right. "And the fauns and nymphs?"

  She laughed. "Have you ever had direct experience with them?"

  "Well, no, but—"

  "All they do is chase each other around and celebrate, as they call it. They have no memories beyond the day, unless they happen to leave their retreat. Then they become mortal. But not many do that, and most are empty-headed."

  "But I thought some trees had t
hem."

  "Some do—and they seldom stray far from their trees. In any event they are not good at fighting. They constantly make love, not war."

  "Still, if they understood the robot menace—"

  "Pretend there's a robot coming," she said. "You're a faun. You have to tackle it. Meanwhile, here's a nymph." She pulled her blouse tight and took a breath, compelling his gaze. "Now go see to that robot."

  He started to turn away. She twirled, flinging her hair about. It was nice hair. "Are you going?" she asked.

  He tried again. She made a cute little scream and kicked one foot high in the air. He felt a guilty shock as she almost showed a panty. "What, not gone yet?"

  "How can I go when you're doing that?"

  "I'm being a nymph. This is what they do." She spun around again, so that her hair and skirt both flared. She had nice legs. "All the time."

  And he was compelled to watch. All the time. But he tried once more.

  She turned again, then screamed, but this time in pain. "Oh! My knee!"

  He caught her before she fell. "I'm so sorry," he said.

  "I overdid it. I'm not a nymph, and my knee can't stand up to that much stress. My fault."

  "I shouldn't have made you do it."

  "You're such a gentleman." She caught his shoulders, twisted him into her, and kissed him. They sank to the ground together in half a tangle of limbs.

  "Mush! Mush!"

  "Oh, mice!" she swore. "The kids are back."

  So they were. "Sorry," Hannah said. "Little hearts started flying by, and I couldn't stop them. They're so curious about what they shouldn't be."

  "Storks," Ted said eagerly.

  "How are they summoned?" Monica asked.

  "Wouldn't you like to know!" the parody chortled. "Go eat some bratwurst."

  Goody and Gwenny separated. "At any rate, I trust I have made my point," she said. "The fauns and nymphs won't help."

  Neither would goblins, he realized, if subjected to similar temptations. "We'll let them go."

  Nada Naga appeared, having changed into her body and clothes while they were distracted. "The naga are in," she said. "How are the children doing?"

  "They like the parody," Hannah said. "I wonder if—"

  The peeve let out a marvelous burst of profanity. Nada blanched. "I think not."

  Goody sighed inwardly. Every time they had a prospect, the parody destroyed it.

  D. Vore appeared. "And the demons." He frowned. "Father went farther. He ordered us to help you recruit the last of the viable species, because he says the robots will reach Iron Mountain in just two more days."