Esrever Doom Page 4

  “In the dark? That’s not feasible.”

  She sighed. “Maybe not. Let’s hope it blows over.”

  It did not blow over. The cloud quickly expanded to fill the sky between the mountains, emitting so much lightning that the whole area was illuminated and the thunder was deafening. Wind whipped up, swirling into brief funnels. Then came the rain. It blasted down like a waterfall. Soon the crevice between the mountains flooded, and the water continued to rise.

  “This is mischief,” Hadi said. “I can’t fly in this weather; I’d crash and break a wing. Guy can’t travel; the water washes out his traction. And you—can you swim?”

  “Yes. But this is becoming rough water. I’m safer clinging to the tree.” He moved to grab on to a low branch.

  “Do that then, until we ride out the storm.”

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize—”

  “You didn’t know. Fracto calls himself the king of clouds, and he’s extremely sensitive about being dissed. Just be glad it wasn’t a volcano you saw.”

  “Volcanoes have feelings?”

  “Everything has feelings. Some are more touchy than others. When someone irritated Mount Pinutuba it went ooom-pah! and blew out so much ash it cooled all Xanth by one degree.”

  “I will watch my mouth around volcanoes,” Kody said.

  The storm continued, and the flood rose rapidly. Hadi took hold of another branch, and Guy moved upslope. Still the water rose, coursing around the mountain. Was there no end to this?

  There was a light. Kody stared. It looked like a ship! That was of course impossible.

  The ship floated closer. It was a luxury liner with portholes along the side. “Ho!” its captain cried.

  “Ho!” Kody called back. “We’re in danger of drowning here. Can we come aboard?” Though he wasn’t sure how Guy would make it.

  “Are you old retirees?”

  “No, just ordinary folk.”

  “Sorry. This is a Senior Citizen Ship carrying residents to a retirement community. No ordinary folk can board.” And the ship moved on.

  Kody stared after it, appalled. A ship that refused to rescue folk in a storm?

  Then another ship appeared. This one looked feminine, with curtains in the portholes and prettily painted decks. “Ahoy!” Kody called. “We need help!”

  “Are you a mother?” the lady captain called.

  “No, just three people in danger of drowning.”

  “Then you may not board. This is a Mother Ship, and only Mothers are allowed on her, or Maidens for their Maiden Voyage.” It moved on.

  There was the third ship, but this one turned out to be a Father Ship, limited to fathers.

  Meanwhile the water was still rising. They were in trouble.

  Guy bleated.

  “Are you sure?” Hadi asked. “It’s dangerous!”

  He bleated again.

  “All right,” Hadi agreed dubiously. “Kody, catch hold of my tail, quick, so you won’t be washed away.”

  Kody was doing all right treading water, but didn’t argue. He could see her well enough because of the constant lightning in the background. He got a good hold on her serpentine tail.

  The sidehill hoofer let go of the slope and swam away. He could swim well enough, because the length of his legs was less important. What was he up to?

  There was a thudding sound. “I hate things that go bump in the night!” Hadi said.

  Kody agreed. They were in enough trouble without some new threat developing.

  Then the water swirled, dragging on them both. Hadi spread her wings and lifted partly out of the water, fighting the sudden current. Kody was glad for her support, because she was right: he would have been washed away.

  Somehow the water was draining down. Before too long they sank back to the land, and Kody was able to stand again. He let go and braced himself against the slippery slope. The rain was still pouring, but the drainage was more than keeping up with it.

  “Now I’d better see how he’s doing,” Hadi said, and flew away.

  Soon she was back, and Guy was following her.

  “What happened?” Kody asked.

  “Guy kicked out a section of the bottleneck,” Hadi said. “That let the water flow through faster. See, here’s a fragment.” She held up the broken neck of a large bottle.

  “But with all that water backed up, he could have been carried away with it,” Kody said.

  “Yes. That’s why I was concerned. He took the risk so that you and I could be safe. Fortunately he was able to brace himself with his uneven feet and hold his place.”

  “That was a brave thing to do.”

  “Yes. I am impressed. He knew what to do, and had the courage to do it.”

  At last the storm was abating. The lightning faded and was replaced by moonlight. They had survived the storm, were wet and bedraggled. Their blankets had been washed away.

  “I know it’s still night,” Kody said. “But I don’t think I will sleep well now. How do you feel about going on?”

  Guy bleated, and Hadi nodded. “We feel the same. We’ll travel until dawn. Then we can clean off some of the mud and harvest new clothing for you.”

  They trudged on, in their fashions. They were rewarded when dawn came, discovering a marvelously clear lake beside a sloping meadow. There were assorted shoe trees and shirt trees and pantrees with pants. Guy set to grazing the slope, while Hadi flew out over the water to hunt for edible fish. Kody washed in the clean water, then scrounged for fresh clothing. Refreshed, he realized he was hungry, and the one thing this meadow lacked was pie trees. What could he eat?

  A woman appeared, walking from the other direction. She had a nymphlike figure. “Hello!” she called. “You look hungry for—”

  “For food,” Kody agreed.

  She paused. “That wasn’t exactly what I was going to say. But I know a man whose talent is summoning fish. Will that help?”

  “It might,” Kody agreed. “If I got some fish, Hadi could roast them for me.”

  She frowned. “Hadi? Oh. So you have a girlfriend.”

  For some reason Kody was cautious. “Not exactly, but she’ll do.”

  “Just my luck. I’m Nymph Ophelia Maniac. O for short on the first name.”

  “I’m Kody Mundane.” Then he realized the pun in her name: Nymph O Maniac. A woman with an insatiable sexual appetite. Now he was glad for his caution.

  “Hey Dave!” O called.

  Soon a nondescript man appeared. “No, I won’t try to do it any more,” he said. “You’ve worn me out.”

  Just so.

  “Kody here could use some fish.”

  Dave looked at Kody as if aware of him for the first time. “Oh. Sure. I’ll call some.” He knelt by the water, holding a fishnet Kody hadn’t noticed before. “Hey, fish fish fish!” he called.

  Suddenly there were fish practically leaping out of the water. First there was a group of grouper, then bass sounding low notes, a complaining carp, irrelevant red herrings, dogfish and catfish chasing each other, skating skates, perching perch, and an en garde swordfish. In one and three-quarter moments there were several suitable fish on the ground.

  Hadi returned. Dave and O drew back in alarm, but Kody reassured them. “She’s with me.”

  “Your girlfriend is a dragon?” O asked.

  “Not exactly. We’re just friends.”

  Nevertheless Dave and O decided to move on, and were gone by the time Hadi landed. “Oh, you found some fish!”

  “Yes. If you care to roast them for me…”

  “Immediately.” She breathed fire and the fish roasted.

  “Thanks. You saved me some awkwardness.”

  “Oh?”

  “The woman was Nymph O Maniac. I think she had her eye on me, until you showed up.”

  She laughed. “You do have to be careful whom you take up with.”

  There were more roasted fish than Kody could eat, but Hadi was happy to consume the rest of them. Guy got his fill of g
rass and foliage. Then they resumed their trek.

  The sloping meadow gave way to a sloping forest. The terrain became irregular, with many dips and crevices. The trees thinned into thin stems that formed a mat above. Then they abruptly ended as if receding, and what appeared to be a farm commenced, with cabbages and head lettuce growing abundantly. “This is one weird landscape,” Kody muttered.

  “The blue line knows the best route,” Hadi said. “We had better stick with it.”

  “Yes. We need the perpetual slopes, for Guy.”

  “So it seems.” She oriented her snout on the hoofer. “Have you been in a region like this before, Guy?”

  Guy bleated No.

  “So this is new territory. Maybe there’s a lady hoofer here.”

  The hoofer shrugged.

  “Isn’t that what you want? If you found her, you wouldn’t need to ask the Good Magician.”

  Guy did not respond. Hadi didn’t push it.

  The stems abruptly ended, and they were by a remarkable curving outcrop that seemed more like leather than rock. “This is weird,” Hadi said. “It looks almost like a—”

  “A giant ear,” Kody finished.

  The three of them paused together. “Uh-oh,” Hadi murmured. “I think we had better get quietly away from here.”

  “Before the giant wakes,” Kody agreed.

  They were too late. The ear shuddered and lifted, and they dropped into the void below.

  Only to be caught by the giant’s hand. It cupped them and held them before the monstrous face. “And what are you three assorted creatures doing here?” the giant boomed.

  Kody spoke. “We are traveling to see the Good Magician,” he called. “We are following a blue line the Princess Harmony made for us to show us the way. We didn’t mean to intrude on your slumber.” Would that be enough? “I am Kody from Mundania, and these are Guy and Hadi.” Named folk might be less likely to be eaten.

  “Princess Harmony? The one who took up with an old Mundanian?”

  “That one,” Kody agreed. “She’s still courting him while they gather puns.”

  “It won’t be long before she lands him.”

  “Surely not,” Kody agreed.

  “Well, Kody, the princess surely had a reason to route you past my cranium. I am Intella-Giant, a huge repository of knowledge. I trust you admired my re-seeding hairline; the local farmer gets excellent crops. I will be taking your data now to add to my database. Then you may proceed to the Good Magician’s Castle. Tell him I sent a significant fragment of a greeting.”

  “We will,” Kody agreed, relieved.

  “You will. Guy and Hadi will not be joining you.”

  “Not?” Hadi asked, alarmed.

  “You are about to realize that Guy has fallen in love with you. That’s why he is no longer looking for a lady sidehill hoofer. Since you also realize that he is a worthy creature, you will return to his native slopes with him.”

  Now she was clearly taken aback. “But—”

  “All you need to do is shop for an accommodation spell,” Intella said. “Then your love will be complete. You should produce an interesting crossbreed, just as your ancestors did.” It seemed the giant knew all about her background.

  “Um, yes,” Hadi agreed, looking at Guy with a new appreciation.

  “Accommodation spell?” Kody asked.

  “Such a spell enables any two creatures to breed, even if they are not in a love spring. It is useful when there’s a need.”

  “Oh. Thank you.”

  “I have no background data on you, Kody,” Intella said.

  “Well, I—”

  “No need to speak. Just touch my hand.”

  Kody squatted and touched the surface of the huge hand with one finger. Immediately he felt a flow of information passing from him to the giant.

  “You are an interesting one indeed,” Intella remarked. “So you are tackling the reversal Curse. Possibly you will succeed in nullifying it.”

  “I will try, at least.”

  “And you are less real here than you appear to be. In fact this stay in Xanth is your dream.”

  “Yes, so it seems.”

  “One thing you need to get clear. You may be dreaming, but the rest of us are not. You did not imagine Xanth. You merely visit it via the mechanism of the dream. What you accomplish here will endure for the rest of us, even if it has no permanent effect on you.”

  “Uh, thank you for that clarification,” Kody said uncertainly.

  “And though you are dreaming, you can be hurt here. If a monster chomps you to death, your dream will end in death. That is one permanent effect on yourself you can accomplish. So it behooves you to take care.”

  Kody had pretty much assumed that death here would simply eject him from the dream, but this made uncomfortable sense. He was in surgery; if something went wrong …

  “I wish I could get a CAT scan or something, so I’d know my condition,” Kody said. “Not that that relates to Xanth.”

  “Oh, but it does,” the giant said. “There is a magic cat who can tell exactly how healthy a person is. Unfortunately it’s not around here at the moment.”

  Yet another pun. Kody sighed internally.

  “We are trying to convey him safely to the Good Magician’s Castle,” Hadi said.

  “Which is close by,” Intella said. “Fortunately. So we don’t have to discuss the prose and cons of the route.”

  “Prose and cons?” Kody asked, wondering how he could hear the spelling.

  “Prose is ordinary dull unpoetic language,” Intella explained patiently. “Cons is short for conventions, where fans of particular enterprises go for camaraderie. Writers attend prose and cons. You can afford to bypass this.”

  Kody wasn’t sure how much of this was humor. “Thank you. I’m sure that’s best for the time being.”

  “No, the Time Being is more of a scientist,” the giant said. “He doesn’t attend Fan Cons because he can’t stay long enough to get to know anyone well.”

  Kody shut up.

  The giant set them down on the blue-lined path where it resumed, and they traveled on. Soon there was a fork in the line, with one marked PROSE & CON. There were notebooks and kegs of beer lining it. “That’s the writer’s convention,” Kody said. “We can skip that.”

  They did, and a few steps farther was a castle. The Good Magician’s Castle.

  “We have arrived,” Hadi said. “Now you must proceed alone. There will be three punnish Challenges for you to navigate before you can enter. Good luck!”

  “Thank you,” Kody said, a bit weakly.

  “Come on, Guy,” Hadi said warmly. “Let’s go catch that convention before all the beer is gone.” The two of them moved back along the path.

  3

  CASTLE

  Kody walked down toward the Good Magician’s Castle. He knew he was on his own, and wasn’t at all certain he was up to the mission. There was just so much wild and punny magic in this Land of Xanth!

  The castle had a moat, with a drawbridge crossing it. He headed for the bridge. There was a path through the tall foliage leading up to it. He rounded a corner.

  “Savvy, stranger!”

  Kody jumped, surprised; he had not seen anyone here. It was a dusky young woman holding a rounded mass of fur. “What kind of stranger?” he asked before realizing how stupid that must sound.

  “Discernment, appreciation, recognition, salutation, greeting—”

  “Hello?” he asked.

  “Whatever,” she agreed crossly.

  “Hello,” he repeated. “I’m Kody Mundane, come to see the Good Magician. Who are you?”

  “Who do you think I am? Philip who fills things up? Nora Nosnoora who stops anyone from snoring? Onomatopoeia, who makes the sounds she writes so others can hear them? I M Bigbucks, the man made of money?”

  Kody refused to play this ludicrous guessing game. “None of the above, I’m sure. Is there a reason you intercepted me, you intriguing creature? If no
t, I think I had better be on my way before I lose it, in more than one sense.”

  That evidently satisfied her. “I’m the Demoness Metria, here to stop you from getting in.”

  “You’re a demon? You don’t look like one.”

  “I don’t?” She frowned. Then little horns grew out of her head, and a tail grew out of her posterior. “How about now?”

  “You are a demon!” he said. “You looked so—so fetchingly female I just didn’t believe it before.”

  The horns and tail puffed into vapor, which drifted away. “A demoness can look like anything she wants two.”

  “Two?” he asked.

  “It’s a homophone.”

  “What kind of phone?”

  “It sounds the same but spells differently.”

  “Ah. So you can look like—”

  “Anything I want too,” she agreed.

  He laughed. “Close enough. Is that speech impediment natural, or is it part of the Challenge?”

  “Mixed. I got stepped on by a sphinx long ago and it affected my articulation. It also fragmented me into three parts. My other part D. Mentia is a little crazy, and Woe Betide is a child who must live by the Adult Conspiracy.”

  “The what?”

  “The Adult Conspiracy to Keep Interesting Things from Children. It frustrates the bleep out of them.”

  “Oh, I see. We have something similar in Mundania.”

  “You should. It’s a parody of Mundane attitudes, one of many.”

  “That surely explains a lot of what I have been seeing here.”

  “You called me fetchingly female. Not ugly.”

  “You are definitely not ugly,” he said.

  “Then what about the expletive?”

  “The what?”

  “Oath, swearing, whammy, nemesis, bane—”

  “Curse?”

  “Whatever.” Her decolletage descended and the hem of her skirt lifted to show enticing flesh at either end. “Don’t you suffer from it?”

  “I don’t suffer from that particular reversal.” Indeed, it was difficult to keep his eyes from locking onto her exposure.

  “What’s your secret?”

  “It may be that because I am here only in my dream I am not affected the way you natives are.”

  “You’re dreaming?”