Swell Foop Page 5

  "As soon as we complete the directives to the messengers," the king agreed. "We should be able to start tomorrow."

  "Tomorrow!" But again she stifled herself; she had had enough experience with zombies to know they couldn't be rushed. "Of course. Thank you so much."

  Xeth nodded graciously. "I will commence the summoning now."

  The living group walked back to Castle Zombie. "Maybe we can get it done in the morning, and have the wedding in the afternoon," Breanna said. "You must all come, of course. Meanwhile, you must stay the night with us; Castle Zombie has excellent facilities, believe it or not."

  "We are sure of it," Che agreed politely. And of course they were; Sim knew that Millie the Ghost took perfect care of the castle, and the human section was completely human. The zombies hardly needed shelter, and were satisfied to snooze in shallow graves when not active.

  Still, Sim might have preferred some other practice mission, if he thought about it. He made sure not to think about it while in the black girl's presence, however.

  CHAPTER 3

  RING OF FIRE

  King Xeth was as good as his kingly word: In the morning the four other zombies were there, ready to guide their charges to the general vicinity of the Rings. Breanna saw the others pairing off with their zombies; they would split up to search out all the Rings simultaneously, saving time, so as to get this chore done in a couple of hours. That would leave the afternoon free for the wedding.

  She also saw Roxanne Roc, still waiting patiently for Sim to finish his business here. She walked over to the huge bird. "We each have to go with a Zombie to find a Ring of Xanth," she said. "Sim too. I don't think you should try to help him in this; it's his training mission. Why don't you check with him, and then take a few hours off? I'm sure you deserve a rest."

  Roxanne nodded. She sent a glance into the throng, neatly catching Sim's eye. Then she nodded again, turned gracefully around, spread her wings, and took off. She was a good governess, knowing when to let the line slacken.

  "Let's do it," Breanna said to Xeth, satisfied.

  The king nodded and set off down a path. Breanna paced him. "It's funny how things have changed in three years," she said. "The first time we met, I fled you; now I like you just fine."

  "Yes," he agreed. Zombies were not much for conversation, even well-preserved ones like him. His brain was perfectly good, and he could speak with only the slightest slurring, but he had never developed the habit of dialogue.

  "You found me lying in the Pavilion of Love, and kissed me awake, and wanted to marry me. But I didn't want anything to do with a zombie. Isn't that hilarious, considering that I'm about to become the Zombie Mistress?"

  "Yes." He could also speak at some length, when it was expedient, with good organization of thoughts, but seldom found it necessary.

  "And it was all my mistake," she continued. "I thought it was just a vacant bed for anyone to use. You were perfectly within your rights to assume that I was looking for a prince or king to marry. You couldn't understand why I didn't follow through."

  "Yes."

  "Fully living folk can be prejudiced in various ways, and I was prejudiced against zombies. Until I heard myself talking about them exactly the way I'd heard others in Mundania talk about blacks." She looked down at her brown arm. "That they're all right in their place, but I wouldn't want to marry one."

  "Yes."

  "Of course I still wouldn't marry a zombie, or any other kind of creature. Justin Tree is the only one I want to marry, and I made him change to young human man form for that. But meanwhile you did marry Zyzzyva, so you are happy."

  "Yes."

  "Any luck summoning the stork?" This query might be considered out of order among fully living folk, but zombies didn't mind direct questions; in fact, they preferred them, as being less confusing.

  "Storks are slow to answer zombies."

  "Well, keep trying, and you'll get there. I understand that the Demoness Metria summoned the stork more than seven hundred and fifty times before getting its attention."

  "Yes."

  A swirl of smoke formed. "Did I hear my cognomen?"

  "Your what?"

  "Appellation, designation, patronymic, personage, identification-"

  "Name?"

  "Whatever," the cloud agreed crossly.

  "It was just an incidental reference. We were talking about storks."

  "Bothersome birds." The cloud formed the semblance of a stork as it faded.

  Breanna was relieved. The demoness was usually more mischief than she was worth.

  They passed a boy looking at a stone. "Oh, are you a rock collector?" Breanna asked.

  "No, I'm using my talent," the boy said. "I can see the future of any object. The trouble is, most objects never have more future than they have past. So I keep checking, hoping to find a really interesting one." He dropped the stone.

  "That may be the case with things out in the wilderness," Breanna said. "But maybe the objects in castles would be more interesting, because so much more happens there."

  "Gee, yes," the boy agreed. "I'll go find a castle. Maybe I'll find an object that will be used to kill somebody. Thanks."

  "Welcome," Breanna said with a quirk of a smile as he departed. The boy had a good talent, when he learned to use it well.

  They came upon an older woman of about Breanna's height but heavier, who looked confused. Breanna was impatient to get her business done, but didn't like to pass someone by who might need help. "Hello. Are you all right?"

  "I don't know. I thought I was ill, then suddenly I was standing in this forest. I walked, but have not found my way out of it. In fact, I tried to follow this dog, but he seems to be lost too."

  Now Breanna saw the dog. He was of a rusty color. "True, Rusty?" she inquired.

  He wagged his tail.

  Breanna got a glimmer. This was not far from the realm of madness, where some who had died appeared. "Are you from Mundania?"

  "Mundania?"

  "The real world. Sometimes people come here from there. Animals too."

  "Yes. I am Vanna Jane Morrow Shelton. I live at-"

  "I am sorry to tell you that you can't go back, Vanna. This is-this is a weird place. But you can find new friends here. If you will just follow this path behind us, you will come to Castle Zombie. It looks awful, but it's not. Ask to talk to Millie the Ghost."

  "A ghost!"

  "It's just a name. She's a nice person. She will help you to get comfortably settled. I know you will like it here."

  "I don't want to impose-"

  "Don't worry about it. I'd show you the way myself, but I'm on an urgent mission."

  "Of course." The woman set off down the trail, looking more confident now that she had somewhere to go.

  The dog hesitated. "You too, Rusty," Breanna said.

  The dog ran after the woman.

  But that reminded Breanna of their own objective. "Say, just where are we headed?"

  "To the Demon Realm."

  "The Demon Realm! Do you even know how to get there?"

  "No."

  "Then where are we walking to?"

  "If we just keep trying, we'll get there."

  Breanna was accustomed to zombies' ways, but still got caught on occasion. "I prefer to find a shortcut," she said. "Do you know one?"

  "No."

  "But the Ring is in the Demon Realm?" It was best to be quite sure.

  "Yes."

  "Which Ring is it?"

  "The Ring of Fire."

  "And what does it control?"

  "All demonic creatures, including Com Pewter's kind."

  "Oh, I thought it might relate to the Region of Fire."

  "That too," he agreed.

  "But it's not necessarily in the Region of Fire. Just somewhere among the demons."

  "Yes."

  "So maybe we should get demon help to locate it."

  "Yes."

  "Do you have a particular demon in mind?"

  "Demon P
rofessor Grossclout."

  She nodded. "I know of him. He is said to terrorize demon students. So he's in charge of the Ring?"

  "Yes."

  "Okay, let's see if we can find Grossclout quickly. For that we'll need the help of a lesser demon." She pondered half a moment. "The only one I really know is the Demoness Metria, because she's always messing into human business. Usually we just want her to go away."

  "Yes."

  "But this time I guess we need her. So I'll see if I can summon her. This time on purpose." She stopped walking, looked around, then called out, "Demoness Metria! Are you there?"

  There was a faint swirl in the air before her. "Maybe," it said.

  "We need your help."

  "Too bad," the swirl said. "Maybe you should just go ask a stork."

  Maybe the demoness had a grudge about being dismissed before. "Usually we just want to be rid of you. Aren't you pleased that we want your presence for a change?"

  "No, that's boring."

  "But we need you!" Breanna said, frustrated.

  "Maybe if you beg hard enough."

  So that was it. The demoness liked to annoy, and so she did the opposite of what was wanted. "Then I guess we'll just have to ask some other demon to help us. Maybe-" Breanna cast about for a name, but couldn't think of any, because she didn't know many demons.

  "Demon Molish," Xeth said.

  "D. Molish?" the swirl demanded, outraged. "He's no good at anything express."

  "At anything what?" Breanna asked.

  "Incontestable, absolute, certain, categorical, explicit-"

  "Positive?"

  "Whatever," the swirl said crossly. "All he does is destroy. You don't want him."

  "Demon Lete," Xeth suggested.

  "D. Lete? He's a total subtraction!"

  "A total what?" Breanna asked, beginning to appreciate what the zombie king was doing.

  "Remove, obliterate, eradicate, damage, ruin-"

  "Loss?"

  "Whatever! All he does is take things away. You don't want him."

  "Demon Flower," Xeth said.

  "D. Flower? He's a rogue! All he does is-"

  "Never mind," Breanna said. "I'm sure one of them will do. They all surely know the way."

  The swirl became a shimmering female shape. "Know the way where?"

  "To the Demon Grossclout. But that's none of your business."

  "The hades it isn't!"

  "The what?" Xeth asked.

  "Never mind!" Breanna repeated. "We don't want the likes of her annoying the good professor."

  "It's my right to annoy Grossclout!" Metria flared, light flashing from her solidifying body. "I've been doing it for centuries."

  "Then you must have lost your touch by now. He's seen it all."

  "He hasn't seen it all!" The dress on the female form shrank dangerously. "I held some in reserve."

  "Will you please go away?" Breanna demanded. "We are looking for someone else to lead us to Professor Grossclout, and we can't do it as long as you're in the way."

  "Then you're stuck, because I insist on doing it. So there."

  "But someone else could do it faster and better!"

  "The purgatory they can!"

  "The what?" Xeth asked.

  "Never mind! I'm sure another demon could have us standing there before Professor Grossclout before I could count to ten. One, two three, four-"

  There was a sudden wrenching, and smoke surrounded them. Breanna did not let it distract her from counting. "Five, six, seven-"

  The smoke cleared. "And what is the meaning of this intrusion?" a commanding voice demanded.

  Breanna stared. They were standing in a classroom before the Demon Professor himself. The young demons seated behind them tittered. Metria was nowhere to be seen.

  "Uh, we needed to find the Ring of Power, and-"

  "The what?"

  "It's a-a-" Breanna stammered, daunted by the sheer overwhelming presence of Grossclout.

  "I know what it is. Is your head filled with mush? What business do you have with it?"

  "We-we have to-"

  "In my office."

  The room changed about them, and they were standing in his office, before his massive ironwood desk. Grossclout sat behind it, his visage menacing.

  "To find it, to fetch the dandy poop-"

  "The Swell Foop! Who put you up to this inanity?"

  "Well, the Simurgh, actually, because-"

  "Out with it! What's the phenomenal emergency to justify such a pursuit?"

  "The Demon Earth is missing, and we have to save him, because-"

  "Because we need the gravity. Of course. But this is not a thing for mortals to tackle. How did you get involved?"

  "Because only another Demon could have abducted a Demon, and that means-"

  "Another Demon is suspect. Now it registers. So mortals have to do it, and the only way they can accomplish anything at all is to use the Swell Foop."

  "Yes," Breanna agreed. "So first we have to get all the Rings of Xanth, because-"

  "Because they are the only way to locate the lost Foop, let alone control it," Grossclout said impatiently. "Let us cease belaboring the obvious. Why are you disrupting my class?"

  This time Xeth answered. "Because the Ring of Fire is in your domain. You are the only one who knows where it is."

  "I have no idea where it is."

  "What?" Breanna asked, almost dumbfounded.

  "No one knows precisely where any Ring of Xanth is."

  "But then how can we-?"

  "You will have to look for it. I will give you passes to search the premises so that the juvenile demons will neither hinder nor molest you. But only you can locate it."

  "But I just came with King Xeth because-"

  "You have been designated by blind fate. Concentrate your mind and you will get a notion of its direction."

  Breanna had her doubt, but it was hard to deny Grossclout's overwhelming force of personality, so she tried. To her surprise, she did get a sense of a circular presence, as if there were a dim beacon whose light shone through walls and vegetation. "That way, maybe," she said, pointing toward a wall.

  "I shall not have my study disturbed or my classes disrupted," Grossclout intoned dangerously. "You must use existing channels, rather than breaking through walls."

  "Oh, sure," she agreed, realizing that he had a point. "I'll go around."

  "Do so."

  Breanna and Xeth exited by the study door, and found themselves back in the classroom. The class had evidently dissolved into mischief the moment the terrifying gaze of the Professor was absent. The male demons were trying to shape themselves into baskets that formed into a huge ball. The female demons were forming puffs of smoke that were drifting toward the basket cases, trying to get their attention. Breanna and Xeth walked cautiously around the edge, so as not to get caught by either a basket or a smoke ball.

  Grossclout reappeared at his classroom desk. "Are your heads filled completely with mush?" he demanded horrendously. "You ignorant louts cease playing basketball immediately; this is not a sports arena. You scheming gamines stop sending smoke signals; this is not a boudoir."

  The students quickly reverted to what appeared to be their normal state of muted terror, and the Professor resumed his lecture. "Now we come to the simplest and most basic technique of magic, that even a cranium three-quarters filled with mush should be able to grasp. Unfortunately that means a minority of you will grasp it. This is the magic of illusion, which requires the least effort for the greatest apparent result. It can actually be quite deadly when properly wielded, as when a deep pit in the ground is covered over by the illusion of a path. Mortal folk can find that quite uncomfortable. Even unwary demons can suffer if deceived. Can you provide an example, D. Ceive?" He focused his glare on a demoness who was burnishing her fingernails.

  She glanced up, crossing her legs so that her well-fleshed thighs showed almost-but not quite-to her panty line. "Sure," Ceive said. "If a girl thi
nks there's something useful to be learned in this class, and wastes time attending it."

  There was a murmur of admiration at this audacity. No one else dared respond to the Professor like that. Breanna, having made her way to the door, paused to see what would happen.

  "That answer is incorrect," Grossclout said.

  "You have a better one?" Ceive asked, adjusting her décolletage so that her very full breasts showed almost-but not quite-half their heaving globes.

  "Indeed. When a demoness who has been banned from classes because of failing the course fourteen times in succession attempts to masquerade as a student, and discovers that the class she has crashed is an illusion."

  "Really!" Ceive laughed, her flesh jiggling juicily.

  Then the rest of the class dissolved into a single mass of warty flesh. Ceive was left sitting on the tip of the tongue of a horrendous monster. Huge teeth appeared as it slammed its jaws together. The demoness barely had time to puff into smoke before getting chomped.

  The monster formed into a suction pump, and sucked the smoke into itself. "Eeeek!" the smoke screamed as it disappeared into the tank. Then the tank popped into the path of a giant steamroller and was instantly flattened.

  The Professor extended a hand on an endlessly lengthening arm and picked up the paper-thin form. "Why, I do believe it is Metria," he said. "She seems to have lost weight."

  "Metria!" Breanna exclaimed. "That's where she went!"

  The Professor glanced her way. "This miscreant is with you?"

  "I guess she is," Breanna said. "We needed her help to find you."

  "Then perhaps you had better take charge of her." The Professor rolled the paper into a tight ball and tossed it across the re-forming classroom.

  "Uh, thank you," Breanna said, catching the ball. "We'll try to keep her out of further mischief." Then she stepped out of the classroom.

  "I had wondered where she went," Xeth said.

  "For sure." She looked at the ball. "Do you think she'll recover? I was sorry to see her squished like that, after she helped us."

  The ball dissolved into smoke. "Oh, I've been squished before," the voice of the demoness said. "That's when my personality got fractured into three identities."

  "I didn't know that," Breanna said. "What happened?"