Man From Mundania Read online

  Man

  From

  Mundania

  Piers Anthony

  Content

  Chapter 1: Heaven Cent

  Chapter 2: Mundania

  Chapter 3: Signs

  Chapter 4: Mountain

  Chapter 5: River

  Chapter 6: Giant

  Chapter 7: Sharing

  Chapter 8: Gap

  Chapter 9: Ultimatum

  Chapter 10: Parnassus

  Chapter 11: Python

  Chapter 12: Pewter's Ploy

  Chapter 13: Murphy

  Chapter 14: Prophesy

  Chapter 15: Gourd

  Chapter 16: Answer

  Chapter 1

  Heaven Cent

  Ivy woke, stretched, and opened her eyes. It was dawn; the sun had not yet quite dared show its round face, because darkness made it nervous, but soon it would get up its nerve. She looked at the Tapestry, with its everchanging picture of Xanth. She never really tired of watching it, though her interest waxed and waned. It waxed when it rained outside because it was more fun to remain inside where it was dry, and it waned when Zora Zombie was waxing the stairs and the smell of the wax got chokingly thick. Thus, as she put it, it waxed when it waned, and waned when it waxed. It was her private joke with Dolph, the adults didn't understand. Adults were chronically slow about such things.

  Sure enough, Zora was waxing today; the smell was just starting. Ivy had only minutes to find a pretext to go far away, several days if possible, until the wax settled down. But she was running out of pretexts; what was left?

  She jumped out of bed so suddenly she frightened the monster under it—Grabraham; she heard his honk as he shrank away. He was a young monster, replacing Snortimer, who had departed long ago; he tended to be timid. She was also reaching the age when folk started not believing in Bed Monsters, and that made it that much worse. When she turned eighteen she would stop believing entirely, and the poor thing would fade away. Grabby was quite upset over the prospect, for some reason. She was sorry about that, but there was really no alternative; she couldn't stop herself from getting older.

  She ran barefoot to the next room where Princess Nada slept. Nada had moved in three years before when Dolph brought her home, and the two had become great friends, because they were the same age and rank and similarly pretty. Nada was only half human, but she kept her human form when staying at Castle Roogna, just from courtesy. Princesses had to learn courtesy early, because princes certainly didn't.

  “Nada!” she cried. “I need a pretext in a hurry.”

  Nada sat up in bed, wrinkling her nose. “I know; I smell it too. I'll go with you.”

  “Of course! But where?”

  Nada concentrated. “Have we used the mirror yet?”

  “We don't have the magic mirror!” Ivy reminded her. “Com-Pewter got it last year, and won't give it back!”

  “Yes. So—”

  Ivy caught on. “So we'll just have to go and fetch it! Because I'll need it when I use the Heaven Cent!”

  “Exactly. Except—”

  “I know. Except that Com-Pewter isn't going to let us have it without a fight, and he fights dirty. Still, it's a perfect excuse, if we can only figure out a way.”

  “Maybe Electra—”

  “That's right! She could shock Pewter into letting it go!”

  Electra appeared in the doorway. “Did someone say my name?” she asked sleepily. She was a freckled child whose hair was a bit frizzy; her eyes were the color of wonder, and there were smile lines around her button nose. No one would think, to look at her, that she was tragically in love.

  “Zora's waxing the stairs! Come help us get the magic mirror from Com-Pewter!”

  “Is that what I smelled! Just let me get dressed!”

  There was a scramble as the three of them dived into proper clothing. In a moment they were together again; the two princesses in dresses, glancing jealously at Electra in her rainbow jeans. She was of common stock, so could get away with practical clothing. She was also slender enough to wear it without attracting stray male eyes or female frowns.

  Quickly they trooped down the hall to the farther stairway, avoiding the wax. Unfortunately this led them past Dolph's room, and he heard them. He had ears like those of a werewolf, perhaps because he commonly assumed wolf form to snooze. His door banged open. “Hey, where're you going?” he cried. “Are you sneaking out again?”

  Nada and Electra paused: Nada because she didn't want to hurt his feelings, Electra because she was in love with him. Both were betrothed to him, of course, though he was only twelve. In a moment Electra would invite him along, because she always wanted to be close to him.

  To prevent that. Ivy dived in. “We're going to get the magic mirror from Com-Pewter so I can have it when I use the Heaven Cent,” she said. “So we can find out where Good Magician Humfrey is and finally complete your Quest.”

  “But Mother won't let you—” he started, reasonably.

  “So you'll have to cover for us!” Ivy finished. “'Bye!”

  He still looked doubtful. But Nada stepped in and kissed him, not saying a word. “Uh, sure,” he said. He was Silly Putty in her hands, of course, even though he knew she didn't love him. It was the mirror image of his association with Electra. He changed into zombie form and walked back the way they had come. Zombies didn't mind the smell of wax, so he would be able to brave those stairs despite Zora's mischief.

  They completed their escape. Whatever Dolph had done must have been sufficient, because no one tried to intercept them. Ivy whistled for Stanley, and in a moment the dragon whored around the castle and joined them. He was almost grown now, and soon would have to depart for the Gap because guarding it was his job. Ivy would be sad when he left, but knew it was the same as it was with her: age had its burdens. Meanwhile, he was excellent protection; they had no fear of wild monsters while in the company of the tame one.

  They snatched fruits from the orchard as they passed through it, eating on the run. Then they reached the main path going north. Every so often Com-Pewter arranged to set up a D-tour, and then King Dor would send out someone to shut it down because it was a public nuisance. Ivy happened to know that there was a D-tour currently in force, and this time they meant to take it. It was the easiest way to reach the evil machine. They were supposed to stay clear of the infernal contraption, of course, which was part of what made him so intriguing. Stanley would be mo protection against him, but Electra would.

  Sure enough, there was the D-tour. They veered onto it. Now they could relax, because even if it got shut down, they wouldn't lose it.

  They stopped for the night near the unlevel playing field where the Bulls and the Bears charged back and forth.

  Grundy Golem had discovered this during his Quest to locate the missing pet dragon. It was called the Market, and the Bulls and Bears were the Stock. Almost every day the foolish animals resumed their pointless activity, reacting dramatically to insignificant events and ignoring major events. There were many strange things in Xanth, but this business was too strange for even the craziest folk to understand. What did those Bulls and Bears find so fascinating about that Stock Market?

  Stanley whomped off into the thickest wilderness to catch a bite to eat, while the three girls harvested pies from a pie tree near the path. It wasn't much of a tree, but Ivy used her talent to enhance it, and then the pies became so healthy that they steamed. There were many more such trees along all the paths than in years of yore, because Ivy's mother, Irene, had seeded them in and made them grow, and Ivy had Enhanced them.

  While they ate, they talked, for it was always fun to talk when there were no adults to listen in. Inevitably the subject found its way to Romance, for that was the most fascinati
ng concept ever to approach teenage girls.

  “When are you going to Find a Boy, Ivy?” Nada inquired. “I mean, you're well into seventeen, and when your mother was that age she had already landed your father and trussed him up.”

  “And by the time my little brother was nine, he had already landed two fiancées,” Ivy agreed. “I confess to being retarded.”

  Nada and Electra grinned ruefully. Nada had been fourteen when the young Prince Dolph had come to her father, the King of the Naga, for help, and because the naga needed an alliance with the humans, the King had agreed to help if Dolph married his daughter. Nada had had to pretend she was Dolph's age, nine, knowing that her real age would freak him out. It was only a betrothal, of course; they would have to wait until Dolph came of age for the actual ceremony of marriage. But meanwhile the alliance was valid, and Nada had kept company with Dolph while her folk received sundry items from the Castle Roogna arsenal to fight off the encroaching goblins. There seemed to be more goblins in Xanth than there used to be; no one was quite sure why, but it did make for trouble.

  Then the Heaven Cent had brought Electra to Dolph. She had to marry him or die, so Dolph agreed to be betrothed to her too. That had happened at about the time Dolph discovered that Nada was five years older than he, so it might have been an easy decision for him to make. But in the end he had realized that he loved Nada, so that betrothal had remained.

  Thus their quandary: they all knew that Dolph had to choose between the two girls before he came of age. If he chose Nada, he would honor his word to the naga folk, and as a prince he was bound to keep his word. But Electra would die. None of them wanted that.

  Three years had passed, while Electra used her talent to charge the Heaven Cent. The three girls had become fast friends. So they accepted the situation as it was: unresolved. Electra loved Dolph, and Dolph loved Nada.

  Nada didn't love Dolph, and Dolph didn't love Electra.

  How was this picklement to be settled? No one knew, but it remained a favorite topic for conjecture. Fortunately it would be several more years before Dolph Came of Age, so the matter wasn't pressing yet.

  “Didn't you know a Boy, once?” Electra asked. She had been born more than eight hundred years before—maybe closer to nine hundred—and had slept through all those centuries until Dolph kissed her awake. So her physical age was fifteen, and she looked twelve; indeed, she was still a child in all the ways that counted, except for the spell that made her love Dolph- But because of that spell, she understood something of love and had a lively curiosity about it.

  “Yes,” Ivy said, remembering. “I knew Hugo, the Good Magician's son. He was five years older than me.”

  “The right way around!” Nada said. They all knew that a boy could love a girl who was five years younger, but a girl could not love a boy five years younger. That was Nada's plight. She could marry Dolph, when the time came, but couldn't love him.

  “Oh,” Electra said, understanding. “So when the Good Magician disappeared, so did his son!”

  “Yes. Hugo wasn't much, but he was nice, and he could conjure fruit. Only he usually conjured rotten fruit.”

  “Rotten fruit!” Electra exclaimed, laughing. She plucked a cherry from her pie and tossed it at Ivy. “Have some rotten fruit!”

  “Oh, so that's the way it is!” Ivy cried with mock outrage. She plucked a fragment of peach from her own pie and threw it at Electra. “Have a peach of pie yourself!” But Electra, childishly canny, ducked, and the piece hit Nada.

  “Oho!” Nada said. Her pie was lemon meringue, but there were no lemon pieces to throw, so she threw meringue instead.

  In a moment they were engrossed in their very most favorite sport: a food fight. For some obscure reason this was frowned on at the castle, so this was a golden opportunity. When Stanley returned, all three were thoroughly spattered. The dragon offered to lick them clean, but at the first lick Electra dissolved into titillations of ticklishness, and that set them all off in helpless laughter.

  Fortunately there was a hot spring nearby. The three plunged in—only to indulge in a fury of splash-fighting, with piercing screams, while Stanley prowled in a circle around them, ready to help steam them clean. If it hadn't been for him, every predator in the region would have been there, attracted by the delicious sounds of shrieking nymphs. It was fun, being girls.

  They camped for the night in a nest of pillows within the circle formed by Stanley, who curled around and caught his tail in his mouth. Ivy had told him the story of Uroborus, the giant serpent who circled the Mundane world (which it seemed was round) and grasped its own tail, and Stanley liked the notion, so now he slept that way himself.

  He was long, but really not that long; he could not hope to circle the world. It didn't matter, because he was only doing it for the feel of it. Meanwhile, they were quite safe, which was the point.

  When they got tired of walking, they took turns riding on Stanley. It was an art to remain perched while he whomped along, but they had had time to practice it. First the rider would be low, then riding high, then low again.

  Wheee! Electra took special joy in this, not ashamed to yield to her juvenile impulses. Ivy and Nada, being more mature (and in dresses), were obliged to pretend that it really wasn't all that special.

  As they approached Com-Pewter's cave, they paused for a consultation. “Should we try to hide our identities from him?” Ivy asked. Com-Pewter was really an “it” but it was easier to ascribe masculine evil, so they called it “he.”

  “He'll never be fooled,” Nada said. “He'll know we didn't come here just to giggle.”

  “But maybe if we can hide our talents—”

  Nada shrugged. “We can try. But I don't think it will work. He certainly knows about Ivy.”

  “Unless he's overconfident, so doesn't check, and—” Ivy's eyes flicked meaningfully toward Electra.

  Nada nodded. “When I change form, try to escape, distracting him—”

  Now Electra nodded. “Gotcha.”

  “All else is bluff,” Ivy said. “Maybe we'll pull it off without violence.”

  “Maybe,” Nada agreed, seeming less confident.

  “Stanley, you go hide in the jungle,” Ivy said. “After the invisible giant passes, sneak up and follow us, but don't let yourself be seen. That machine in there is devious, and we may need to be rescued if things go wrong.”

  Stanley nodded. He was only a dragon, but in Ivy's presence his ferocity and intelligence were enhanced, and he understood her perfectly. He ceased whomping and slithered into the brush beside the path. In a moment his sinuous green body merged with the foliage and disappeared. He would be watching.

  They looked on, chatting innocently, in the way girls had when innocence was the last thing on their minds.

  The ground shook. “There's the invisible giant, right on cue,” Ivy remarked. “Get ready to spook.”

  The ground shook again. They paused, gazing wildly around. “What's that?” Electra cried, her hair flaring slightly. She was very good at spooking.

  There was another shake. “It's the invisible giant!” Ivy cried in seeming horror.

  “EEEEEEEK!” Nada and Electra screamed in perfect unison.

  “Run!” Ivy cried,

  The three broke into a run, right toward the cave. That was the way Com-Pewter set it up: first travelers got onto the D-tour, then they were herded by the invisible giant until they took refuge in the cave—where they were trapped by Com-Pewter. They were walking into it deliberately, this time.

  Just before the slow-moving giant came into sight (as it were), they reached the cave and plunged in. It was dark, but in a moment a light showed deeper inside, so of course they went toward it. Soon they were in Com-Pewter's main chamber.

  There he was: an odd collection of wires and colored metalware, with a big glassy screen sitting up in the center. Words appeared on this screen, written in light:

  GREETINGS, GIRLS.

  The three tittered uncertainly. Ivy
put her finger to her mouth as if nervous, which really was not much of an exaggeration. “What is that?” she asked, staring at the screen.

  I AM COM-PEWTER, YOUR HOST, the screen said. TO WHAT DO I OWE THE HONOR OF THIS VISIT, PRINCESS IVY?

  So much for secrecy! Ivy decided to get right on with it. “I have come for the magic mirror you stole from Castle Roogna.”

  I STOLE NO MIRROR! the screen printed angrily, I WON IT.

  “You stole it!” Ivy retorted. “And I want it back!”

  DID NOT! the screen replied.

  “Did too!”

  DID NOT!

  Ivy realized that Com-Pewter, who was of the technological persuasion, could continue this argument forever. Machines were like golems: it didn't bother them to repeat things indefinitely. Ivy, being just about grown-up (except for the matter of a boyfriend), could no longer indulge in such activity; it wasn't dignified.

  “You lured a traveler here, who was using the mirror with my father's permission, and you only let him go because he left the mirror,” Ivy said stoutly.

  CORRECT. I PLAYED A GAME WITH HIM AND WON. THE MIRROR IS MINE.

  “The mirror is not yours!” she snapped. “It wasn't his to give away! He had borrowed it, and he was going to return it when he finished his mission. So you stole it, and you have to give it back.”

  I WON IT AND I DON'T HAVE TO RETURN IT.

  “Yes, you do!” Ivy said. “Or else!”

  OR ELSE WHAT?

  “Or else my father. King Dor, will have to do something.”

  YOUR FATHER DOES NOT KNOW YOU ARE HERE.

  This machine was entirely too clever! “Well, then, I will have to do something.”

  DO WHAT?

  “ VVi teiw to 2&a. A& YBHTOE b-ask. fcy fas»l>. w kfj crook.'‘

  BUT A PRINCESS IS NOT A CROOK.

  “I'll make an exception.”

  THEN I WILL HAVE TO HOLD YOU CAPTIVE.

  Ivy delivered a haughty stare. “Are you threatening me, you crock?”

  YES.

  So much for bluffing! “Then it's war!”

  IT ALWAYS WAS.

  “War, then,” she said boldly. “Where do you have the mirror?”