Skeleton Key Read online

  Skeleton Key

  A Xanth novel

  Piers Anthony

  Chapter 1

  Squid

  Squid paused as she passed a quiet pond in a glade, admiring herself in the reflection. She looked exactly like a normal, unremarkable, human eleven-year-old girl who might start turning pretty in a couple more years if she worked at it. Dull brown hair, faded gray eyes, turned up nose. Nobody who was anybody would look twice at her, maybe not even one and a half times. “Great!” she exclaimed, snapping her fingers.

  “Hello!”

  She turned. There was a nondescript boy, about twelve, emerging from a path leading to the pond. He was calling to her. “Yes?” she answered cautiously.

  “Don’t worry,” he said as he approached. “I’m not going to molest you. I’m twelve, too young for that. Maybe next year.”

  She simply stared at him, delivering The Look. She had practiced it for just such an occasion. Not that she could be molested by him or anyone; she was pretty much proof against that.

  “That was a joke,” he said, suddenly uncomfortable.

  “Some jokes aren’t funny.” But she had made her point. “You called to me. Who are you and what do you want?”

  “I’m Zero. My talent is to zero in on things. I practice it all the time. Today I am zeroing in on importance, and I got a strong signal, so I followed where it led.” He paused, confused. “You don’t look like much.”

  “Well, I am not much,” she retorted.

  “Oh, but you are! At least you’re supposed to be.”

  This was curious. “Supposed to be what?”

  “The most important person in the universe. But you look like an ordinary girl.”

  “Thank you,” she said coolly. That was, after all, exactly what she was trying to look like, but he didn’t mean it as a compliment. “So your talent must have misfired this time.”

  “No. It’s right on target. Maybe I’m misunderstanding.”

  “Maybe,” she agreed, becoming intrigued. “Maybe I’m going to grow up to be the most beautiful creature, but I’m not there yet.”

  “That’s for sure. Right now your panties wouldn’t freak out anyone.” That was a not-so-secret weapon women had in Xanth: when men became obnoxious, the girls could lift their skirts and flash their panties, and any man who saw them freaked out until someone snapped their fingers or did something else to jolt them out of it, by which time the girls would be safely gone.

  “I’m not wearing any panties.”

  Zero laughed, embarrassed. He tried to peek under her skirt without seeming to, but didn’t succeed. “That must explain it. But it leaves the mystery of why you are so overwhelmingly important. What is your talent?”

  “I don’t have any talent. At least not a magic one.”

  “But everyone in Xanth has a magic talent,” he protested. “It’s in the Big Book of Rules the Good Magician has. Everyone knows that.”

  “Not me,” she said. “The rule is that everyone either has magic, or is magic. I’m the latter.”

  He looked at her more carefully. “Are you sure? You sure look human. Are you a lady elf or something?”

  “No. I have no human ancestry at all.”

  He shook his head, perplexed. “Then what are you?”

  “I’m an alien cuttlefish.”

  “Are you teasing me? Those are sea creatures.”

  “No. I wear a human form when I’m on land, and in the water too, usually. But it’s only a form. That’s why you couldn’t see under my skirt: it’s more apparent than real. My clothing is merely colors.”

  He actually blushed. He of course had thought his sneak peek attempt was not noticed. Boys tended to be unsubtle; it took them decades to become truly sneaky. That was why women were so effective in managing them. “Show me your real form, then.”

  “No.”

  “Just your form without clothing, then.”

  Another way to get a peek? “No.”

  “You are teasing me! You’re no alien creature.”

  “So my terrific importance remains a mystery.”

  He laughed. “I admit it. You’re a huge mystery.”

  Then Squid saw something. “Freeze,” she said urgently. “There’s a stink horn behind you. Don’t step on it.”

  “Oh, come on. I won’t fall for that,” he said, stepping back. “Big joke.”

  “No,” she said, alarmed. “There really is!”

  “Ha. Ha.” Then his heel came down on the stink horn. It made a foul-smelling noise, and a filthy brown stench emerged from it. “Oops!”

  “Run!” she cried. “I’ll distract it!”

  Zero didn’t argue. The noxious cloud was already reaching for his legs. He bolted for the forest. No one wanted to be smeared by such a stink.

  Squid went into action. “Nyaa! Nyaa! Can’t get meee!” she cried.

  Annoyed, the cloud roiled toward her, swelling dangerously. Traces of garbage flashed dully in its bulges, such as decaying eggshells melted by the rot inside them.

  Squid dived into the pond and swam, shedding her clothing, which was indeed more apparent than real. The cloud boiled after her, across the surface. The water recoiled from the fetor, forming a dent, but couldn’t escape.

  She could readily have outdistanced the smelly cloud, but she didn’t. It still could reverse and go after the boy. She lingered to tease it more. “You think you’re so awful? You’re just a blob of nothing!”

  The cloud turned an angry, dirty red and forged on after her, extruding streamers of crud. Oh, it was mad!

  Then she saw something else. It was a loan shark, attracted by the commotion. That was a real danger; she knew it would take an arm and a leg if she let it. Not that she had arms or legs, but it could still seriously hurt her.

  She dived, reverting to her natural squid form; mainly eight long limbs like tentacles. She jetted a small cloud of ink. The shark snapped at the ink, but she was already dodging around and beyond it. She could actually handle a shark, if it wasn’t too big, by wrapping her tentacles around it and squeezing it until it surrendered, but right now it was more useful as a distraction.

  Meanwhile, the malodorous cloud caught up to the action, colliding with the shark. The shark snapped at it, getting a mouthful of stench. That got its attention, and the two faced each other, neither one accustomed to giving way. That was the distraction she needed, so Squid quietly swam to land, reformed as a girl, and clambered safely out.

  She paused to color-in her clothing, so as not to be mistaken for a juvenile nymph. Then she resumed her walk to the next glade, where she had a meeting. The epic battle between shark and cloud continued: she suspected that both parties would regret it. But at least she had saved Zero from a cruel stenching. He was an innocent boy, not deserving of punishment like that.

  That reminded her: why did Zero think she was so important? Obviously she wasn’t, but it was curious that his magic had led him to her, which was the second minor mystery of her day so far.

  Now she wondered about the first one. Her brother Santo had quietly asked her to meet him here privately, away from the fire boat. It was not like him to be secretive. What was on his mind? So she had left the craft quietly, unnoticed, and set out on her nature walk, which had soon turned mildly adventurous.

  Then she arrived at the glade. Santo was there. He was a nondescript thirteen-year-old boy, on the verge of early manhood. He could have passed almost unnoticed in a group, and usually did, for the same reason as Squid; he was by no means ordinary, and did not want to attract attention. Three reasons: to start, he was really an unrecognized Magici
an; he was close to a genius; and he was gay. Their siblings and friends knew it, but were good at keeping secrets. “Good enough, Squid. I was concerned by your delay.”

  “I got distracted by a boy, a stink horn, and a loan shark. Sorry about that.”

  He laughed. “I’m sure you handled them efficiently.”

  “I did. But that reminds me; the boy’s talent is to zero in on things. Today it was importance. He said I was the most important person in the universe. Isn’t that crazy?”

  “No.”

  Squid did a double-take. “You were supposed to laugh. You know I’m an alien cuttlefish, so I’m weird, but I’m not important.”

  “It is not a joke,” he said seriously. “That’s why I needed to talk with you. There is serious mischief afoot, and you’re in the center of it.”

  “Me! I’m not out to make any trouble for anyone. You know that.”

  “I know it. But you may not have a choice.”

  “Well, I want a choice,” she said stoutly.

  He didn’t argue; that was not his way. “Talk with Aria.”

  “Princess Aria from the future? She’s my friend, but she visits with Noe. You know that.”

  Then she paused, because something odd was happening. A presence was joining her, in her mind. Hello, Squid.

  “Aria! What are you doing in my head? We’re friends, but you know my alien nature makes you sick.”

  Not any more, the princess said. That is, we remain friends, but I have learned how to be with you, at least briefly. It’s important.

  “It must be. What is it?”

  You are the protagonist for this story.

  Squid rocked back. “What?!” It was tricky expressing both a question mark and an exclamation point together, but she managed it.

  You know I can’t lie to you when I’m in your mind. You’re the main character.

  “I know you wouldn’t lie to me anyway. Friends don’t lie to each other, any more than siblings do. But I don’t see how I can believe something so weird.”

  “Believe her,” Santo said, evidently knowing what Aria was telling her.

  “But this, this—I’m not even human!” Squid protested. “I can’t be the main character.”

  That makes no matter mind. Accept it and move on.

  “There’s more?”

  Much more. Santo will tell you.

  “Thank you, Aria,” Santo said, again picking up on what he couldn’t hear.

  Bye. And she was gone.

  “Now hold on just a dogbone minute,” Squid told Santo before he could open his mouth again. “My credulity is getting overloaded already, but Aria says there’s a lot more you have to tell me.”

  “Yes. That is why I asked you to meet me here. There is much to impart.”

  “Can it wait? I think I need to sleep on this protagonist business, if it’s true. I have no idea how to do it.”

  “Talk to Jess, when you return to the boat. She was the protagonist for the last story.”

  “Where Xanth almost got taken over by the big bird, Ragna Roc. I remember. But she’s off on a gig.”

  “We are about to transport her to a new performance site. She will be aboard when we return to the boat.”

  “Oh.” That deflated Squid’s argument. She was stuck for the rest of the news. “Okay, let me have it. What am I going to be involved in, that makes me so infernally important?”

  “Because you will be the protagonist, it is required that you either participate in, or be aware of, all relevant events.”

  “You mean what everyone else is doing? When I’m not even there?”

  “Yes.”

  “As if I could keep track of nine other children and scattered adults. This is already heading for a bust. Santo, I can’t be in several places at once.”

  “Hence the addition of a special talent to your repertoire.”

  “My repertoire! I hardly know what that word means! But from the context I think it means my collection of magic talents. I don’t have even one talent.”

  “You do now. Your shape-changing ability will be improved so that you can emulate any creature and any age, though you won’t be able to change your mass.”

  She smiled. “How about a big bird? Will I be able to fly?”

  “Yes, when you learn how. At first you may find it practical mostly to glide.”

  This was shape-changing of a nature well beyond her present capacity. She was indeed being upgraded. “Is that all?” she asked humorously, as if it wasn’t already way beyond any expectation she might have had.

  “No. It is incidental. The main addition is attuning.”

  “Is what?”

  “Attuning. When anyone speaks of you, you will hear it, and see it, though you can not affect it, and will remain attuned to the scene as long as their awareness of you remains. It is limited, and they will not know of your presence, but it should be effective for this purpose.”

  She realized that Aunt Demoness Fornax must have done it, quietly upgrading her as she had done for the others before. But she felt unworthy. “This purpose of completely ruining a story by putting a nothing person into it.”

  He looked at her severely. He had evidently perfected a Look of his own. “If you don’t stop denigrating yourself, I will have to hug and kiss you.”

  “You wouldn’t dare,” she said, laughing. “Have you forgotten you’re gay, and anyway I’m your sister?”

  “You are my sister, and I love you. That has nothing to do with romance, and everything to do with reassurance and support, which you seriously need.”

  She considered that. . . . then she crumpled. “Oh, darn,” she sobbed. “I’m overwhelmed, and I haven’t even heard the rest of it.”

  Then he was holding her while she cried, and kissing her pretend hair, and it did help. There was no one closer to her than her four siblings, and he was the most significant of them, in part because he truly understood what it was like to be different. He knew her for what she was, an alien cuttlefish from the future, and loved her regardless. That counted phenomenally.

  “You are worthy, Squid,” he murmured. “Of this, and whatever else is to come. Never doubt it.”

  After a suitable time she dried out. “Okay, I think I’m ready now. You know these things because Fornax is your adoptive mother. Sock the rest of it to me.”

  “Myst and Firenze are being upgraded too. They will have near Magician class talents, but must not show them unless absolutely necessary. All of you must help each other keep the secret.”

  “We do that anyway. We always help each other.”

  “Yes. But we may be severely tested. Something big is about to happen, and we will have to handle it without adult help.”

  “Something big? What?”

  “I don’t know. I think even the Demons don’t know the whole of it. But it will happen.”

  “That’s scary.”

  “Yes.”

  “What else?”

  “A special child is about to join us. You will have to help him.”

  “Who? How?”

  “His name is Larry. You must be his nominal girlfriend.”

  Squid was taken aback, again. “He’s human? You know I can’t be any human’s girlfriend, because—”

  “I said nominal. There is a parallel; the way Noe is my girlfriend.”

  She took stock. “Noe knows you are gay, but she plays along and helps cover for you when that will help. She even kisses you, making it look romantic. And you do like her, but—”

  “But there will never be a true romance,” he finished.

  “So is this Larry fellow gay too? So I need to pretend he’s hot for me?”

  “Not exactly. He’s not gay.”

  “Then what?”

  “He is transgender. A girl in a boy’s
body. Larry’s true identity is female, Laurelai.”

  Squid digested that. “So it’s like a girl dating a girl, only not by preference.”

  “Yes. The two of you may on occasion need to embrace and even kiss, but it will never be a real romance, only a show.”

  “Because I’m a cuttlefish and he’s a girl and that’s nobody else’s business.”

  “Yes.”

  “Just as you and Noe sometimes hug and kiss in public.”

  “Exactly.”

  “Well, if you can do it, I guess I can do it. But why do I have to? I mean, why bother to be a fake couple? Why can’t he or she simply tag along with us for a while?”

  “Because that will help conceal the secret. So that no one should suspect.”

  “Suspect what?”

  “That Fornax is taking up secret residence within the mind of Laurelai.”

  Squid gazed at him, amazed again. “Aunt Fornax is going to be with him?”

  “With her. She can’t associate in that manner with a male.”

  “With her, then. Why?”

  “The Demon Xanth suspects that another Demon is secretly interfering with the Land of Xanth. This is a trap to catch that Demon in the act.”

  “This is a Demon contest! We should steer the heck clear.”

  “We support Fornax.” He looked at her. “Don’t we?”

  Squid yielded. Now it was clear why this meeting had had to be private. Squid had to know, but it had to be secret. Who would ever suspect a female Demoness hiding in a male body? And of course the siblings supported Fornax; they owed her everything. “We do. But we need to tell the other siblings, because they will know the moment they touch him/her. We don’t want their surprise to give it away.”

  “We will tell them, quietly,” Santo agreed.

  “When do I meet Larry?”

  “This evening. I will take you there.”

  “Will I stay with him?”

  “No. He has to go see the Good Magician Humfrey, who will assign him to the boat. That is when you will officially meet him.”

  “So why don’t I just wait for that, then?”

  “Because you will need to explain things to him, privately,” Santo said patiently. “He may not wish to cooperate. You will persuade him.”