Esrever Doom Read online

  “I don’t like being seen as ugly,” Dawn said candidly. “No woman does.”

  “While I, being Mundane, am not affected,” Kody said, getting it straight.

  “Not exactly,” Dawn said.

  “I’m not exactly here, yes, as it seems I am dreaming. But apart from that, I see things as they are.”

  “Not exactly,” Dawn repeated.

  “I’m not following you.”

  “I think I need to demonstrate.” She glanced at Picka. “With your acquiescence, dear.”

  The skeleton shrugged. “Of course.”

  She faced Kody. “Stand.”

  Data got off his lap, knowing what was coming. He stood, perplexed.

  She came to him, put her arms around him, drew him close, and kissed him. He felt almost as if he were floating off the floor. Her wonderful bosom was pressing into his chest, his hands were somehow on her marvelous bottom, and the contact of their lips was sheer rapture. She was an utterly mesmerizing creature. In that moment he loved her, despite knowing that she was not and would never be his. Not only was she a magic princess, far beyond his station, she was a thoroughly married mother of two. He had no business reacting romantically to her.

  She drew back, knowing how well she had impressed him. Now it was no mystery how she had conquered a walking skeleton. She could seduce the dead, if she tried. “You liked that.”

  “God help me, I did,” he admitted, shaken. “Please don’t do it again.”

  “So you are reversed.”

  Now he appreciated her point. “I guess I am.”

  “Reversed?” Picka asked. “He’s a perfectly normal man.”

  “Indeed he is,” Dawn agreed.

  Picka and the two children looked at her, puzzled.

  Kody changed the subject. “So it may be that I am here for a reason: to get this spell of reversal turned off. So that Mood Reverse is no longer Esrever Doom.”

  “It may be,” Dawn agreed. “The Good Magician will know.”

  “Who is this Good Magician?” Kody asked.

  “He is Xanth’s most respected Magician of Information,” Picka said. “Anyone who really needs to know something can go to ask the Good Magician. But it isn’t easy.”

  “Not easy?”

  “He doesn’t much like to be bothered,” Picka said. “He is chronically Grumpy, so much so that he has five and a half wives who rotate month by month, a new one stepping in when the old one is worn down. He makes his castle difficult to get into, so that most querents are discouraged and go away without entering. And when he does Answer a Question, he charges the person a year’s service, or an equivalent service. Even then, his Answers are seldom obvious; it takes time to figure them out.”

  “That does seem to be discouraging,” Kody agreed. “Obviously I don’t want to ask him anything.”

  “Yet you must,” Dawn said. “The welfare of Xanth may depend on it.”

  The welfare of a purely imaginary magic land he was dreaming about. Yet she surely knew it better than he did. What could he do, but agree? “I must.”

  “We will have you here as our guest for a few days,” Dawn said. “You need time to acclimatize, to get to know more about Xanth. Then we will send you to the Good Magician’s Castle.”

  “But if I am here only a few days, there won’t be time for me to do anything, regardless.”

  “You will be in Xanth as long as you need to be,” she said with certainty.

  “So be it,” he agreed. “But you won’t need to help me get there. I have the chessboard.” He touched it in his pocket.

  “It is best not to depend too much on such artifacts,” Dawn said. “Some of them are limited, so that if you use it when you don’t need to, you may not be able to use it when you do need to.”

  “Point taken,” Kody agreed.

  “Tweeter will show you to your room. You can clean up, then go out to talk with Bryce.”

  “Tweeter? Bryce?”

  “Tweeter is a bird who knows what’s what,” Picka said. “Bryce is an old Mundane who arrived here last year. Princess Harmony is courting him.”

  And there was a small nondescript bird hovering in the air before him. “Good to meet you, Tweeter,” Kody said.

  The bird flew out of the room, and Kody followed. It was apparent that animals were not just animals, here; they were people. They proceeded up winding stairs to a rather nice suite on an upper floor, complete with a made bed, dresser, bathroom, and shower.

  “This is all for me?” Kody asked.

  “Tweet.”

  Kody washed up at the sink, noting that the mirror showed him as unchanged from life. Then the glass flickered, and Picka’s skull appeared.

  “Dawn said you should eat before you go out, as it might be a long afternoon,” the skeleton said. “Tweeter will show you where.”

  He needed food in a dream realm? Evidently so, because he was getting hungry. “Thanks. I’ll be there,” Kody answered. Then he glanced at the bird. “A magic mirror?”

  “Tweet,” Tweeter agreed. He was evidently a bird of few words.

  In due course they reported to the dining nook, where the meal was already laid out: a sandwich in the shape of a realistic submarine complete with a pickle periscope, and a glass of what looked like root beer. The two children were there. “Yours,” Data said expectantly.

  He bit into the sandwich, and it was excellent. Then he sipped the drink, and jumped. It felt as if something had kicked him in the rear, though that was impossible, as he was sitting. Both children giggled, and Tweeter made a laughing tweet.

  Something was up. “Okay, what’s the joke?” he asked them.

  “It’s boot rear,” Piton said. He looked to be barely two years old, assuming skeletons aged at the rate of fleshly folk, but could speak well enough.

  Kody contemplated the drink. Root beer, boot rear. A pun that was literal. A kick in the ass. But it was nevertheless tasty and satisfying. “Thank you. I did get a kick out of it.”

  Children and bird laughed again.

  It seemed that this dream realm had a character of its own, and humor was a significant part of it. He could live with that.

  After lunch he departed the castle with Tweeter, on his way to find Bryce. The landscape was a hilly jungle with odd-looking plants and trees. He spied what had to be a pie plant, because it was growing pies, and another growing assorted shoes.

  There was a path curving around and through the scenery, meandering as if enjoying itself. The air was pleasant.

  Then Tweeter paused. “Tweet!” That sounded like alarm.

  “What is it?”

  Instead of answering the bird flew to a large tree by the side of the path, and perched on a massive lower branch. He made a gesture with one wing as if beckoning. So Kody carefully climbed up to join him there. But immediately Tweeter flew to a higher branch, and Kody followed again. Before long they both were on a high branch, peering down at the path. It was a fine view, but what was the point?

  There was a motion behind the trees, accompanied by a sort of snuffling. Then a large dark creature, a vastly oversized lizard, came walking down the path, its long body sinuously handling the curves.

  “Is that a dinosaur?” Kody asked, amazed.

  “Tweet.” That was negation.

  “Then it must be—a dragon!”

  “Tweet.” Agreement.

  The dragon heard them. It angled its head to peer up the tree. A puff of smoke emerged from its snoot.

  “A smoker!” Kody said. Somewhere he had heard that dragons came in several types, one of which was the smoker. If that thing chose to rev up its smoke it could make a cloud around the tree and literally smoke them out. He understood that in house fires, more people died from smoke inhalation than from direct burning. This thing was dangerous!

  Then the dragon shrugged and moved on. It had concluded that they weren’t worth the effort. It would have required a lot of smoke to surround a tree this size.

  “But
if you hadn’t warned me, I’d have run right into it on the path. It could have smoked me with one puff, and swallowed me whole.”

  “Tweet,” Tweeter agreed.

  “Well, look who’s climbing trees!” a female voice screeched.

  Kody looked, but didn’t see anything.

  “A silly tweety bird and an ignorant Mundane oaf,” the voice screeched.

  Now Kody saw the source, perched in a distant tree. It looked like a vulture, except that it had an ugly human head.

  “That’s a harpy!” he exclaimed, amazed.

  “Tweet,” Tweeter agreed.

  “Lo, the light dawns!” the harpy screeched. “I’m Sniper, mistress of the long-distance verbal attack! What are you two doing there—making love?”

  “That’s one foul mouth on that creature,” Kody remarked.

  “Get it straight, idiot!” the harpy screeched. “I have a fowl mouth, not a foul mouth!”

  Kody was getting annoyed. “And your face is uglier than your mouth.”

  This set the harpy back. “Ugly?”

  “Repulsive,” Kody clarified.

  “But since the Curse I’ve been beautiful!”

  Curse? Then Kody caught on: the reversal that made lovely women seem ugly, and ugly harpies seem beautiful. “Too bad, Sniper; I see you as you are.”

  Tweeter was amused. “Tweet!”

  “Oh, yeah?” the harpy screeched. “Well, you’re another!” Then she spread her motley wings and took off, evidently overmatched.

  “Tweet.”

  “You’re right,” Kody said. “That was sort of fun.”

  They dismounted from the tree and resumed travel along the path. Now Kody appreciated his need for a competent guide. It wasn’t just a matter of finding a man, but of knowing what dangers to avoid. The bird knew.

  They came to a bushy clearing. Tweeter flew ahead, then returned. “Tweet.”

  “Right. Go this way.” He followed the bird to where a young man was kneeling before a melon.

  The man glanced up. “Hello. Tweeter tells me you’re Kody, a fellow Mundanian, newly arrived, and you want to compare notes.”

  “Uh, yes, in essence,” Kody agreed, taken aback. All that from one tweet? Well, maybe it did fit within 140 characters.

  “I’m Bryce. Just let me capture this pun, and I’ll be with you.”

  Now Kody saw that the melon had legs, head, and tail. It was a sadly fat little dog! Bryce opened a bag and put it over the creature. When it was safely inside, he closed the bag and stood up. “That’s a melon-collie, a gourd dog. More pun than guardian, I fear. We’re trying to capture the most egregious puns first.”

  “So I see,” Kody said.

  “So how did you come to Xanth, Kody?”

  “I was being anesthetized for surgery, and they warned me there could be side effects, such as mood reverse. I got mood backward and it came out doom. Esrever doom. Things seem to have regressed from there.”

  “Could you have died?”

  “Not that I know of. I’m in a controlled coma.”

  “So you should return when they bring you out of it.”

  “Yes. Then the dream will end.”

  Bryce smiled. “Funny thing about dreams. Some turn out to be true. Take me: I’m eighty-one years old and in ill health.”

  Kody repressed a smile. “You don’t look it.”

  “I know. I was magically youthened when I came here, and now am twenty-two, physically, and absolutely healthy. And being courted by a princess. For some men, that would be the stuff of dreams.”

  “For some men,” Kody agreed cautiously.

  A lovely teenaged girl approached, accompanied by several young dogs. “Did I hear my name?”

  “Princess Harmony,” Bryce said. “Kody Mundane.”

  Harmony smiled, lighting the area. She had lustrous brown hair under her pert crown, glowing brown eyes, and wore a shape-fitting brown dress. “Kody,” she repeated.

  “Princess Harmony,” Kody said. “You look ravishing.”

  She seemed surprised. “I do?”

  He laughed. “I can’t think when I’ve seen a prettier teen, princess or not.”

  Harmony turned to Bryce. “What do you see?”

  “You are the ugliest creature I have ever seen,” Bryce answered matter-of-factly.

  She looked again at Kody. “Do you want to rephrase your answer?”

  “Tweet!”

  Harmony looked startled. “True?”

  “True,” Kody said. “I am not suffering that particular reversal. I see people as they are, and you are almost as beautiful as Princess Dawn.”

  “Thank you. I think I was, before the gross reversal.” She frowned, frustrated.

  “So you’re here for a reason,” Bryce said. “To abolish the Curse.”

  “I’m not sure about that. I think I’m here by coincidence, or pure imagination. But if I can help, I will.”

  “I need that Curse to be abolished,” Harmony said seriously to Kody. “You heard him say how I’m the ugliest creature he’s ever seen. That means when the Curse goes, he’ll see me as the loveliest. Then maybe I can nail him. A kiss or two could do it. Certainly a night in the hay. Then he’ll have to marry me.”

  “Stop it!” Bryce said. “You’re only seventeen. You know I won’t touch a child.”

  “I know you’ll try not to touch a teen. But you’re weakening.”

  Kody shook his head. “You’re trying to seduce him, and he’s resisting?”

  She made a cute moue. “He has this foolish Mundane thing about being my grandfather’s age and not robbing the cradle.”

  “I am your grandfather’s age!” Bryce protested.

  Harmony turned to Kody. “See?”

  Kody shook his head. “There must be more of a story here than I know.”

  “There is,” Bryce and Harmony said together. Then they laughed. They had evidently been over this ground many times. Obviously they knew each other well, and were probably in love even if they didn’t admit it.

  “Maybe I can help you collect a few puns while we talk,” Kody said. “I need to know more about this land of Zanth.”

  “Xanth,” Bryce said, somehow hearing the spelling. “And yes, you do need to know more about it, if you’re to abolish the Curse.”

  Harmony conjured (perhaps literally) a pun bag for Kody, and they reoriented on the pun-collecting chore. “Woof!” a puppy barked.

  “Show the way, Wolfe,” Harmony said.

  “Wolfe’s the son of Woofer, Tweeter’s friend,” Bryce explained. “He and his sister Rowena are working with us today. Their mother, Rachel, crossed into Xanth last year with me, found romance, but returned to Mundania. Woofer was pretty broken up about it, but the pups are doing well.”

  Kody saw that the male pup had a W name, the same as his sire. The female one had an R name, the same as her mother. “Woofer? That sounds like a loudspeaker.”

  “Precisely. There are three of them, Woofer Dog, Tweeter Bird, and Midrange Cat. They came to Xanth with a Mundane family, and now live here.”

  “There seems to be a lot of Mundania here.”

  “Right around here, yes. Not elsewhere. That’s probably why Dawn sent you to me. Mundanes understand Mundanes better.”

  Wolfe barked. There was a huge-trunked tree that looked like nothing so much as a giant beer mug. Small side branches held out steaming hot dogs and mugs of what had to be beer.

  Bryce held up his bag. “Now if we can just fathom the pun.”

  “Frank ‘n Stein,” Kody said before he thought.

  The monster mug shimmered, dissolved into smoke, and flowed into Kody’s pun bag.

  “You’re a quick learner,” Bryce said as Kody stared.

  “I had no idea!”

  “You could make a good pun catcher,” Harmony said. “Of course, it is considered hard labor because it drives people crazy.”

  “But about this Curse,” Kody said as they resumed their quest for puns. “I underst
and I’m supposed to go beg a favor from a certain Good Magician, who will tell me how to go about it. But that he charges outrageously. I don’t see why I should do it.”

  “Because if you don’t, you’ll be stuck here forever with pundigestion,” Harmony said. “Watch where you’re stepping. That’s crab grass.”

  Now Kody saw the little green pincers orienting on his feet. He quickly put down the bag. “In, crabby.” And the grass wavered into smoke and flowed in.

  Wolfe barked, signaling another pun. A woman was walking toward them. She was of indifferent appearance, which meant the reversal had little effect, but her bosom was curiously cloudy. In fact it was roiling, as if live things were trying to escape. The effect was both fascinating and alarming.

  “What is that?” Bryce asked. Kody was similarly perplexed.

  “A storm front,” Harmony said. “If you men weren’t so fixed on bosoms…” She opened her bag, and the front dissolved and entered it.

  “Ah, here are some nuts,” Bryce said. But when he took one it unwound into a wad of paper money. Wolfe barked.

  “Cashews,” Kody said. “So money really does grow on trees, here.” But he was concluding that they were right: he needed to get out of this punfest before it rotted his brain. “How do I get to the Good Magician’s Castle?”

  “We’d take you there,” Bryce said. “But we’re pretty busy here, as you can see. We don’t want any of these puns to escape, lest they reproduce. Any we don’t get today will be lost. But Harmony may be able to help.”

  “Yes,” the princess agreed as she grabbed a vat of tea that had books floating in it. “Novel-tea.” It dissipated and was duly captured. “I can mark a path there. But you’ll need a steed, and some protection. Here there be dragons.”

  “True,” Kody agreed, remembering the one he and Tweeter had encountered. “And harpies.”

  “I will talk to Dawn about it tonight,” she said. “I’m sure we can arrange something.”

  “You could just point the way, and I can go there. I have a good sense of direction.”

  Both Bryce and Harmony shook their heads. Tweeter tweeted negatively. Even the dog barked No. Apparently they had little confidence in his traveling ability.

  Kody sighed. “What must be, must be. I will accept the help I need.”

  Bryce nodded. “You’re learning.”