Luck of the Draw (Xanth) Read online

  “Do you find this all as new and different as I do, Rachel?” he asked as he lay down.

  “Yes,” she agreed, and closed her eyes.

  That was perversely reassuring.

  3

  TOUR

  Next day they went out again, Bryce on his trike, Mindy on her little carpet, the two dogs afoot. But immediately Bryce paused, astonished. “Mountains!” he exclaimed, and Rachel shared his surprise.

  “True,” Mindy agreed. She seemed amused.

  “They weren’t here yesterday!”

  “Yes they were. We weren’t here yesterday.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  She smiled. “Maybe we forgot to tell you something about Caprice Castle.”

  “It didn’t change. The landscape did.”

  “Caprice travels,” she explained. “It fades out at one location, and appears at another, carrying along everything within it. Picka and Dawn had an awful time catching it, before they persuaded it to accept them as residents. It seems to be somewhat random, but they can direct it when they choose. Mostly they let it travel as it likes.” She looked around. “I’m not sure exactly where we are now, but it hardly matters. There will be puns.”

  “That’s what Princess Dawn meant. I said we had cleaned out the puns, and she said there would be another day. This is another day, and we are where there will be more puns.”

  “That is true. Puns are all over Xanth, so we have to travel to get them all, or at least as many as we can. We’ll never catch up completely, but at least we can detoxify things somewhat.”

  “So the castle travels. Live and learn.”

  “That we do,” she agreed.

  “Let’s get to it,” he said, resuming his pedaling.

  Soon they came to a small lake in a mountain valley. There was a pier projecting into it. “Woof!” Woofer said.

  Bryce looked. “There is a pun? All I see is an almost mundane scene.”

  Rachel went closer to the pier. She pointed at it with her nose.

  “I don’t get it,” Bryce said.

  “Neither do I,” Mindy agreed. “But the dogs are seldom mistaken.”

  “What’s the pun?” Bryce asked Rachel.

  “Forgot I can talk,” she said. “Sorry about that. The wharf.”

  He moved closer and inspected the planking. There was an eye. Farther along was a mouth. “It’s a creature!”

  “A mouse,” Mindy agreed. “A big one.”

  “No, a rat,” he said, the light bulb flashing over his head. “A huge rat in the shape of a pier. A wharf rat.”

  Mindy groaned, and both dogs howled. Bryce opened his bag and sucked in the rat.

  The business of the day had begun.

  They soon spotted another oddity. It was a large spiderweb that seemed to have eyebrows. This time Mindy got it first. “A Web Browser,” she said, putting it in her bag.

  The mountains gave way to hills. Some of them appeared to have wheels, so that they could move about.

  “Rolling Hills,” Bryce said, taking them in.

  Then a group of socks came hopping toward them. “Sock Hop,” Mindy said, catching them.

  Beyond the mountains were a number of small settlements. “I don’t trust this,” Bryce said. “We’re in a thick pun region—a pun thicket—and we can’t be sure that anything we encounter is not a pun.”

  “I agree,” Mindy said. “Let’s examine them more closely.”

  They came to a sign. WELCOME TO N.

  “That’s a pun?” Bryce asked. He glanced at the dogs, but they just shrugged.

  “It doesn’t seem to be,” Mindy said. “Ah, here are some direction signs pointing to different villages.”

  Bryce read them off. “Tice, Velop, Joy, List, Act, Able, Amor, Case. I still don’t get it.”

  Mindy approached the first sign. “Oh, I want to go there!” she exclaimed. “It really attracts me.”

  “The path to Tice attracts you?”

  “Yes! There’s just something about it.”

  Now Rachel was pointing to the sign. There was a pun there.

  Bryce got an awful groaner of an idea. “We can do it,” he said. “But let’s first examine the second sign.”

  “If you insist,” she said impatiently. She walked to the next direction sign, Velop.

  It extended to the sides and wrapped its edges about her. “Eeeek!” she screamed so piercingly that he heard all four E’s.

  He rushed to her assistance. “Envelop!” he cried, opening his pun bag.

  The sign dissolved into mist and drifted into the bag.

  “Thank you,” Mindy said, disheveled but recovering. “But why did that word stop it?”

  “These are all N words,” Bryce said. “N Tice attracted you. N Velop enclosed you.” He looked at the others. “N Joy will please you, N List will make you join it, N Act will do something else, as will N Able. You will really love N Amor, but get boxed in by N Case.” As he spoke, the signs dissipated, their puns expended, and coursed into his open bag.

  “N puns,” she groaned. “And I fell for it.”

  “Such things aren’t necessarily obvious, until a person gets the key.”

  “Now their villages are gone, too,” she said. “I hope we didn’t wipe out a lot of innocent people.”

  “They were illusion, to help set up their puns.” He glanced back. “Except for the first sign, which it seems was just a sign.”

  “It’s changed,” she said.

  “So it is,” he agreed, surprised. For now it said WELCOME TO V.

  “I will collect these,” she said, opening her pun bag. New direction signs had appeared, and she read each off in turn. As she did, the signs dissipated and floated obedienly into her bag. “V Ear makes a person turn away. V Toe prohibits things. V Ickle—” She paused, not getting it immediately.

  “Vehicle,” Bryce said. “You can ride in it.”

  “Thank you. And V Gan will avoid all meat.”

  They waited, but the sign did not dissipate, and its village did not disappear. That was curious.

  “Go on to the next,” Bryce suggested.

  But the next sign said N. “I thought we already handled that letter.”

  “Maybe it’s the town of N in the V section,” Bryce suggested. “V N.”

  “Or N V,” she said. “Envy!”

  Now the sign dissipated.

  They had cleaned up all the puns except V Gan. Had they gotten it wrong?

  “Could it be a real town, not a pun illusion?” Bryce asked.

  “Why don’t we go see.” They walked down the path to the village. It did indeed seem real.

  There were even people in it. An ordinary man and a lovely woman were sunning themselves in deck chairs near an outlying house. “Oh my gosh,” Mindy breathed.

  “A problem?”

  “Not exactly. I recognize them. They’re famous in Xanth. I will have to introduce you.”

  “As you wish.” He had met so many people he doubted he would long remember two more.

  Mindy forged ahead with unusual energy. “Hello!” she called. “I am Melinda, Mindy for short. A servant at Caprice Castle. Maybe you remember me.”

  The two looked at her, then at each other. “Maybe we do, Melinda,” the man said.

  “Mindy,” the woman agreed.

  “This is Bryce, recently from Mundania,” Mindy said. “So I, as a former Mundane, am showing him around. We are collecting puns for storage in Caprice Castle.”

  “How do you do, Bryce,” the man said. “I am Bink.” Mindy, evidently flustered, had forgotten to introduce them to Bryce. Just how important were they?

  “And I am Chameleon,” the woman said. “In my pretty phase.”

  “You certainly are pretty,” Bryce said.

  The dogs, bored with this, settled down for a nap.

  Bink smiled. “My wife is a woman of cycles. In the course of each month she gradually shifts from lovely and stupid to ugly and intelligent, passing thro
ugh average in each respect. Today she is beautiful, but not much for dialogue.”

  “You like me better this way than when I’m smart,” Chameleon said accusingly.

  “I like you every way,” Bink said, taking her hand and squeezing it. “In different ways.”

  “But you manage to keep your hands off me when I’m smart.”

  “We have been through this before, dear.”

  “Oh, have we? I’m sorry. I don’t remember.”

  “Bryce was an old man in Mundania,” Mindy said. “Now he’s young. Maybe you could help him adjust.”

  “Ah,” Bink said. “How old were you, Bryce?”

  “Eighty,” Bryce said. “Now I seem to be twenty-one.”

  “He’s part of a Demon contest,” Mindy said. “He has to compete for the hand of Princess Harmony. He is not easy with that.”

  “Ah, I see,” Bink said. “Let me reassure you, Bryce. Age is no barrier.”

  “But she’s only sixteen!” Bryce said. “I have granddaughters older than that.”

  Bink smiled. “So do I.”

  “He is the Princess Harmony’s great-grandfather,” Mindy said.

  “But he can’t be over thirty-five, if that.”

  “Thirty-four,” Bink agreed. “And Chameleon is twenty-nine. But we were youthened over a decade ago. Our chronological ages are ninety-four and eighty-nine. We are of your generation, and beyond.”

  Bryce simply stared at them, having trouble believing this.

  “This is Xanth, not Mundania,” Mindy reminded him. “Youth happens here.”

  “We were twenty-one and sixteen when we were youthened,” Bink said, gazing fondly at Chameleon. “The same age as you and our great-granddaughter Harmony.”

  “That seems right,” Chameleon agreed.

  “The princess and I have no relationship,” Bryce said quickly. “It’s just a game by the Demons. We won’t be marrying.”

  Bink focused on him with renewed interest. “Because she rejects you, or you reject her?”

  “Both, I’m sure. She’s not interested in marrying anyone at present, least of all an old Mundane. And I know better than to get involved with a teen girl.”

  “But this teen girl is a princess.”

  “We don’t have royalty where I come from, so I’m not much impressed. I have been imbued with an artificial love for her, otherwise I would have no interest at all.”

  “But you don’t really know her,” Bink said.

  “I don’t. But I suspect she’s a spoiled creature, not my type at all regardless of age. And she would find me an old fogy regardless of my apparent age.”

  “The girls are Sorceresses,” Bink said.

  “There’s more than one?”

  “Harmony is one of triplets: Melody, Harmony, and Rhythm. They sing and play music to invoke their magic. Any one of them is as formidable magically as any other Magician or Sorceress. Any two of them square that power. The three together cube it. They tend to stay together, and sometimes they do marvelous things.”

  “They made Castle Maidragon,” Chameleon said. “You must see that.”

  “And they tackled Ragna Roc,” Bink said. “That was foolish, but showed real courage.”

  “We may see Castle Maidragon,” Mindy said. “Searching out puns.”

  “I know nothing about it,” Bryce said. “But the fundamentals remain. This is not a likely match.”

  “I am not sure of that,” Bink said. “All five of my great-granddaughters are strong-minded and mischievous Sorceresses. No man is likely to oppose them long.”

  “Five?” Bryce asked. “I haven’t yet assimilated three. I didn’t know the princess had sisters.”

  “The other two are Dawn and Eve,” Chameleon said. “Twins, cousins of the triplets.”

  “Dawn runs Caprice Castle,” Bryce said. “I have encountered her.”

  “Did she tease you about Harmony?” Bink asked.

  “She did,” Bryce admitted. “She thinks that if Harmony should want me, I would be unable to resist her.”

  “Dawn is surely correct. It’s her talent to know about any living thing.”

  Bryce shrugged. “It’s academic. Harmony has no interest in me.”

  Bink and Chameleon exchanged another glance. “How can you be sure of that?” Bink asked.

  “Well, it just makes sense. She’ll have far more appropriate suitors. Why should she bother with me?”

  Chameleon shook her head. “I am stupid now, but I can still manage Bink. Harmony may have more interest in you than you think.”

  “And no Sorceress is to be trifled with,” Bink said. “You seem to have little notion of her potential.”

  “So maybe she’s a nice girl,” Bryce said, nettled. “Maybe she can do magic. But I don’t see her out doing useful work like gathering puns. What use is she, really?”

  Mindy seemed to choke.

  Bink smiled. “Your assistant evidently knows Xanth better than you do. One does not question the use of a princess.”

  “And you don’t want to annoy a Sorceress,” Chameleon said.

  “I guess it’s my Mundane background,” Bryce said. “I’m just not much impressed.”

  “That will change when you formally meet her,” Chameleon said.

  Bryce shrugged. “I can wait.”

  “We need to get on with our job,” Mindy said. “Thank you for talking with us, Bink and Chameleon.”

  “It is no burden,” Bink said. “We thought it would be nice staying in a village that uses no meat, but actually it’s a bit dull.”

  V Gan. There was the confirmation of the name. Vegan. Bryce suppressed a groan.

  “Do tell him more about Xanth,” Chameleon said. “He needs to know, before he gets into trouble.”

  “That’s why I’m along,” Mindy said. “So far we haven’t encountered any real dangers.”

  “Tangible ones, you mean,” Bink said, giving her a hard look. “Keep his ignorance in mind lest he annoy you.”

  “I am,” Mindy said.

  They moved on. The dogs roused themselves and followed. “If I have annoyed you, I apologize,” Bryce said. “When I spoke of teen girls, I was thinking of the princess, not you. You’re twenty.”

  “I understand.”

  They came to a sandy spot. A number of what appeared to be human posteriors were sticking out of the sand. Rachel pointed at them. “Beach Bums,” Bryce said, perversely glad to be back in business. He opened his bag, and the posteriors floated in, though one did make a dirty noise of protest.

  They came to a wall that was covered with yowling cats. “I think I’ve got it,” Mindy said. “Caterwaul.” And wall and cats dissolved and entered her bag.

  A large fly buzzed them. “Have you seen my son, the flyer?” it asked them.

  “A talking fly?” Bryce asked.

  “Magical,” Mindy said. “And your dog is pointing.”

  Then he got it. Bryce groaned. “Pop Fly.”

  They encountered a copse of huge-trunked trees with patterns of tightly fitting boards. “Those look like beer barrels,” Bryce said.

  “They are. Except these ones are alebarrel trees. Tap them and you get ale. But they’re standard; no pun there.”

  “Still, Rachel is pointing.”

  They followed the direction of the dog’s point. It looked like a small mint plant growing next to one of the trees. “I don’t recognize this,” Mindy said.

  “A mint,” he said. “Next to an ale tree. An Ale Mint. Ailment?”

  The plant dissolved. He had gotten it. But he remained dissatisfied. “May we take a break and talk?” he asked.

  “By all means,” she agreed, settling down with her back against one of the ale trees. “What is your concern?”

  “This business of five princesses, all Sorceresses. I had no idea!”

  “There’s a reason. Back in the early days when Bink was young he managed to do the Demon Xanth a favor, and Xanth specified that all Bink’s descendants would be M
agicians or Sorceresses. And when Bink’s son Dor married Magician King Trent’s daughter Irene, all those descendants were royal. So when Dor’s son Dolph married Electra, their daughters Dawn and Eve were both Princess Sorceresses. When Irene’s daughter Ivy married Grey Murphy, their three daughters were all Sorceress Princesses too. It’s really quite simple.”

  “Simple as relativity married to quantum mechanics!” Bryce said facetiously.

  “As what?”

  “Mundane theories of the fundamental nature of things that make no sense to the ignorant common man or to each other. You didn’t encounter that in Mundania?”

  “I guess I wasn’t paying attention that school day,” she said, blushing. “Please, tell me about them.”

  “I’m a common man. But that little I understand of it is that all things are relative, and this unifies three of the four fundamental forces in the universe, but not the fourth, which is gravity. Quantum mechanics addresses the fourth, but is incompatible with relativity. So the struggle has been to find a way to reconcile the two theories and make one unified Theory of Everything. It is mind-bendingly difficult even to conceive the problem, let alone the solution.”

  “It sounds like Demon magic.”

  “Maybe it is; that would explain a lot.”

  “Xanth gets its gravity via a cable connected to Mundania. Mundania gets its magic similarly from Xanth.”

  “There is magic in Mundania?”

  “Very little actually. Things like the Rainbow.”

  “Oh, yes. Princess Dawn told me about that.”

  “Each Demon associates with a particular force. For example Demon Earth has Gravity, and Demon Xanth has Magic. So Mundanes don’t know about Magic, but they ought to know about Gravity.”

  “Mundanes refuse to ascribe a magical basis for it.”

  “That must be their problem. What else could it be, except a kind of magic?”

  “What else, indeed,” he agreed wryly. He took a breath. “There’s another thing.”

  “I’m here to help you as much as I can.”

  “One of the things I am skeptical about, as a nonmagic Mundane, is coincidence. I don’t believe in unlikely things working out conveniently. There’s generally a reason.”