Odd Exam Read online

  “That is my fear, yes. They want to make you really work for whatever you get.”

  “Because they feel we're worth pushing.”

  “Yes.”

  “So this may be a worse challenge than we like.”

  “Yes.”

  “And suppose their raised ante succeeds in washing us out of contention? By getting us killed or at least without passes?”

  “I can't say.”

  “Can't say or won't say?”

  “Forbidden to say,” the bird said uneasily. “We familiars are supposed to help you, but there are limits. We don't necessarily agree with all of the program.”

  “I think I can answer that,” Ike said. “The professors see real potential in us, but they need to know that we don't have corresponding liabilities. We could be geniuses, but also crazy. That would be dangerous for their program, and they can't risk it. It's like having the ability to conjure fire, without the common sense not to burn down the campus. So they are trying to fix it so that if we have some critical liability, we'll get eliminated. The decision remains in our hands, depending on what we are.”

  Felony nodded. “And again I had the question, you had the answer. We do make a team, don't we!”

  “We do,” Ike agreed. “Felony, maybe we're unsuitable for this program, and will wash out. But I think we're suitable for each other. If we do wash out, let's try to get together in the mundane world. The professors can keep us out of Pomegranate, but they can't keep us out of real life.”

  “Yes! There are two things I have come to want, these last few days. One is Pomegranate. The other is you. Of those, I want you more.”

  She wanted a serious relationship that will might include marriage. Ike realized that he did too. “Ditto, both.”

  “That's so romantic,” Demeanor said, and Blue hissed agreement. “Could have been phrased more colorfully, though. ‘Ditto both'?”

  “We'll try to add color,” Felony said. She came to Ike, and they embraced and kissed. The ardor practically radiated from her. Ike wasn't sure that it was love, for him, but it was certainly passion pointing the way. She was definitely the woman for him, even if donning her luscious form turned out not be feasible in the real world.

  “That will do,” Demeanor agreed. “For now.”

  Then they went to get their lasers, and set out for the Bird Seed. This turned out to be an olive drab monochrome, another world where a meteor collided, this one greenish, and messed up whatever electrical or magnetic currents that enabled higher intelligence. So the birds became smart, and the apes did not.

  Felony paused at the entrance, looking at Ike. “I've been sort of leading the way. If you'd rather not do this, tell me now.”

  “I'm ready for it. I tend to let life go by, and concentrate only when I have to. You are providing direction, and that's fine with me.”

  “But it's not really the feminine thing to do. For you, I want to be feminine.”

  Ike saw that she was looking for more than just his acquiescence. “There are different ways to be feminine, just as there are to be masculine. You're fine as you are. If we get in trouble, then I'll focus. It's my nature to wait until I have to, then bear down as hard as I need. I think the professors are trying to put us in a situation where we'll both have to work our posteriors off to get through it unscathed. Then they'll really know what we're made of.”

  “Are you finding a diplomatic way to say I'm pushy and you're okay with that?”

  “Let me rephrase that: you are an independent thinker, and I admire that.”

  She shook her head. “How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. One hundred, two hundred...”

  He laughed and spanked her bottom, knowing that was part of what she wanted from him. “Let's go.”

  They went on in. It was impressive from the start. Here the trees had not been cut for fuel and construction; instead they had been encouraged, and there were giants: Douglass Fir, Redwood, White Pine, Sequoia, admixed with lesser but still formidable other trees.

  Ike halted, staring at a tree with many trunks, like a giant spider. “What's that?”

  “Banyan,” Demeanor said. “Grown to size. We value living trees, here, especially large ones.”

  “So I see. I never saw such giants as these before.”

  “Your seed demeans trees.”

  “Let's not forget the birds,” Felony said. “I see nests galore. As a general rule, I think birds are pretty and harmless. But not here, I think.”

  “We're all shades of green,” Demeanor agreed. “And hardly harmless. Keep your lasers ready.”

  “Will you have a conflict of interests?” Ike asked. “If we have to fight birds.”

  “No. I was pretty much de-nested when I enlisted with Pomegranate College. They regard me as a traitor.”

  “So you're in danger too?” Felony asked.

  “Probably not. They know I am under the protection of the college, and they don't want to provoke it. So they should pretty much ignore me. But I won't be able to return here to live in any comfort.”

  Ike marveled again at the elaborateness of this setting. The background rationales were worked out to an amazing degree. All for the sake of verisimilitude, making it seem real.

  They saw a rabbit, then a small snake. So there were mammals here, and reptiles, but probably not predators that would menace birds. Just as very few creatures who were a danger to mankind remained on Earth, apart from the parasites.

  “Now there should be a pass we can find,” Felony said. “And not readily get. Part of the game.”

  “It's the game I fear,” Ike said. “It should be set off when we go for the pass. We won't be able to avoid it.”

  “We'll just have to try to win it.” Felony smiled. “But this time you carry the pass.”

  “I still want you to have it.”

  “Then preserve it for me. Don't let them get it from you.”

  “That is the challenge,” he agreed.

  They followed a winding little path through the forest. Soon the land sloped down. Then the forest ended and they stood at the edge of a valley with a river running through it. A herd of goats grazed on the tall grass. It looked quite peaceful.

  Blue hissed warning.

  “I agree,” Demeanor said. “It's treacherous.”

  Felony shaded her eyes with her hand. “What's that in the river?”

  “An island,” Ike said.

  “On the island.”

  “A single tree.”

  “On the tree.”

  “A pass!” Ike said, seeing it now.

  “So we have to get to that tree on that island and take that pass. Knowing it's the bait for the trap.”

  “If we can figure out the nature of the trap, maybe we can nullify it,” Ike said.

  “A big bird swooping down and grabbing us in its talons, maybe?”

  “That would be a roc,” Ike said. “A fantasy bird that can fly away with an elephant in each claw. We've seen nothing to suggest that anything like that exists here.”

  “Still, we had better be prepared to repel an attack from above.”

  “One of us can wield a shield, the other a sword,” Ike said.

  “You're better with both than I am.”

  “Okay. Set up your shield for protection, and I'll set up my sword. You watch the sky for any danger, and I'll try to beam it.”

  Blue hissed twice.

  “No?” Ike asked. “Other way around?”

  “No,” Demeanor said. “He thinks that the danger is more sophisticated, just as it was when the serpents mobbed us but only wanted the pass. You're setting up to fight the wrong battle.”

  “Then what is the right battle?” Ike asked, nettled.

  “We don't know. That is for you to figure out.”

  “I have an idea,” Felony said. “Those goats are grazing, unperturbed. So it seems there's no danger to goats at the moment. Why don't we try to emulate goats, as we approach the island? With luck we won't be noticed
.”

  Neither familiar was keen on that, but they had no better suggestions. So Ike and Felony hunched forward, almost touching the ground with their hands, trying to look like goats, at least from above. They moved into the field.

  Nothing happened, so they kept going. The goats continued to graze, undisturbed. Ike doubted they would be able to approach the goats, but they didn't need to; they just needed to make it to the river, and thence to the island. So far so good. The familiars remained nervous.

  Then, when they were well into the field, far from the cover of the forest, mischief struck. Not from the sky, but on the ground. Four giant running birds charged from the forest, orienting on them. The same kind as the one that had chased them near the campus, the first day. Blue hissed and Demeanor screamed together, their warnings coming too late.

  “Those aren't ostriches!” Felony cried. “They look more like—I can't remember the name, Phora-something, long extinct predator.”

  “Phorusrhacus,” Demeanor said. “The running carnivore. Top predator for thirty six million years, until almost recent times. Seven feet tall, massive beak, powerful legs and deadly claws. They herd the goats. This is a protected hunting range for them.”

  Indeed, the birds were the height of a man and had proportionally large heads, with cruelly powerful beaks. They were obviously designed to make short work of any flesh they chomped.

  “Now you tell us,” Felony muttered.

  “Now I am allowed to. We tried to discourage you from exposing yourselves.”

  “And forfeiting the pass,” Ike said sourly.

  “You just needed to find a better approach. One that wouldn't alert the guardians.”

  Meanwhile the birds were closing the distance between them. “Keep your shield tight and run toward the island,” Ike said. “They don't look like water birds.”

  “They're not. They merely fish in the river,” Demeanor said.

  “Big help,” Felony said.

  “Run!” Ike repeated. They ran, but the predators were rapidly gaining. They were not going to reach the river before the birds caught up with them. The charge had been timed to catch them at their most vulnerable point, too far from any possible cover.

  “I'll try to stop them,” Ike said. “You go on. Try to find cover.”

  “Not without you!”

  “I'll follow. Go!”

  She ran on. Ike set his shield carefully, then focused his sword. He lasered the lead bird in the chest. It squawked and fluttered its vestigial wings, but continued its charge. It was too massive for the laser to bring down at this range.

  Ike aimed carefully. His second beam played across the bird's face, bouncing off its beak and catching an eye. Now the bird stopped, temporarily blinded.

  But the three others were still charging. They were upon Ike before he could orient on another.

  And their feathers charred as they touched the shield. They squawked and flung themselves away from it.

  “Heard about the shield, but didn't believe it?” Ike asked. “Now you know.”

  They walked around him, studying the shield. They did not seem to be afraid of it, merely wary, now that they had felt its power. They were looking for some way to get through it.

  “Don't bother,” Ike said. “Just stay out of our way while we get our business done here and depart.” He walked on toward the river as if more confident than he felt. If three crashed the shield together, they might overload it. He did not want to give them time to figure that out.

  Felony was there, waiting for him. He saw the faint scintillation of her shield, and knew the birds did too. The birds had learned respect. But Ike did not trust them to maintain it; they might change their minds, as the serpents had. He knew he could never stand against one of these monsters physically. Without the shields, he and Felony would be dead.

  “I found something,” Felony called. “A boat and pulley.”

  Ike looked. There was a small wooden boat tied to a doubled cord that reached across the river to the island. “One person can haul another across,” he said. “It must have been left when the professors placed the pass. They didn't want to get their feet wet.”

  “Must've,” she agreed. “Maybe there's something in the water.”

  “Or maybe shields don't work well in the water,” Ike said. “They might short out.”

  “Boat's too small for us both together. Why don't I cross, fetch the flag, and return, while you entertain the Phorus. Then we can go home.”

  “Do it,” he agreed. He parked himself by the boat and faced the birds, sword ready.

  Blue hissed twice. “He says it's not safe,” Demeanor said.

  “Nothing's safe here!” Felony snapped. “What's really unsafe is staying here half a moment longer than we have to.”

  “But he's right. Find another way.”

  “If you aren't going to suggest one, then stay clear,” Felony said, exasperated. She got on the boat, put her hands on the cord, and drew back on the one not attached to the boat. Sure enough, the boat moved forward across the water. It was slow but sure.

  “Damn,” Demeanor said, and flew across to her to perch on her shoulder.

  Meanwhile Ike faced down the Phorus birds. They eyed him cannily but did not try the shield again. They obviously were not stupid, but also not smart enough to develop a better strategy. He hoped.

  Felony got halfway across the river. Then she screamed.

  Because suddenly the ropes were lifting up high, hauling the boat up with them. It dangled, and Felony had to grab onto it with both hands to stop from falling into the water. Then it accelerated along the lines, through the air, over the island and beyond.

  While Ike stood and watched, unable to stop it. He knew that the second part of the trap had sprung.

  Satisfied, the four big predator birds walked away. Ike realized that as with the serpents, their charge had been a mere diversion, herding the intruders into the real snare. And the two of them had fallen for it.

  At least he could fetch the pass they had come for, while he pondered what to do to rescue Felony. Because obviously they had wanted to take her prisoner, not to kill her. He looked across the water to the island.

  The pass was gone.

  That, it seemed, had merely been part of the setting, the bait to bring them here. They had been distracted by it and not seen the larger picture.

  These birds really were smart.

  Ike realized that the challenge was upon him. He had said he tended to focus only when he needed to. Now he really needed to.

  “Okay, Blue,” he said. “It's up to us to figure our way out of this fine mess. What do you recommend?”

  The little snake hissed.

  “And that's a problem. I can't understand you the way Demeanor does. But I think I'd better learn how, and fast.”

  Blue hissed agreement.

  Then Demeanor, as if summoned, flew to them. “Bad news,” she said. “They've taken her hostage. I'm the intermediary. Difficult negotiation ahead.”

  “Hostage,” Ike repeated numbly.

  “She's in a big high nest in a giant tree. No way down without flying. The boat line no longer connects; it's lying on the ground. They want ransom.”

  “The birds are holding Felony for ransom? Can they do that?”

  “It seems we underestimated them. I warned the professors that the birds are smart, but none of us realized how motivated they are. Now they are making their play.”

  Or more likely the professors were tying to put Ike through his paces. Either way, this was serious. “What do they want?”

  “They want the secret of portals.”

  “Come again?”

  “The pomegranate seeds are portals to alternate Earths, as you surely realize by now. When we enter a seed, we are passing through a portal. The birds want that power, so they can explore and maybe colonize other worlds.”

  “I don't have that secret,” Ike protested.

  “But the professors do. Give tha
t secret to the birds, and they will release Felony unharmed.”

  They couldn't really harm her anyway, but they could kill her in this setting, and thus remove her from qualification to enter Pomegranate College. Ike had to prevent that. But how? “Since I don't know that secret, I can't give it to them. The professors are unlikely to do it just to bail Felony out. I think I know what she would say: put it where the sun don't shine.”

  “They have sweetened the offer: it includes the pass. She'll be able to enter the college.”

  “That's nice, but since we can't give the birds what they want, we'll have to forfeit. Tell them that.”

  “Are you sure?”

  It was a threat to make the birds back off. “Reasonably sure. Tell them to make a better offer.”

  The bird shook her head, then flew off.

  Ike faced Blue. “Now we have work to do.”

  Blue hissed questioningly.

  “I wasn't joking when I said I focused hard when I needed to. This threat to Felony puts me into a truly different mode. You helped me when I found the tractor beam. Now I need another assist.”

  Hiss.

  “I want to fly without wings, the way you do. Is this remotely possible?”

  Hiss. Hiss.

  Ike sighed. “You say I don't have reptilian chemistry for it? Then we'll have to do it indirectly. How about reversing the tractor beam to make it thrust?”

  Three hisses.

  Ike nodded. “I see what you mean. I might make it push like a rocket engine, but how could I hold on to it with one hand? It would shoot right out of my grip.” Ike pondered briefly. “Then how about the shield? Make it push hard enough to fly, and I sit inside it, becoming part of the bubble.”

  Blue was not at all sure about this, but did not refute it outright.

  They worked on it, and located a setting that generated ground repulsion. But even at its maximum, the bubble did not fly. The best it could do was slow a person's fall. “Like a parachute,” Ike said. “That's not enough.” Then he reconsidered. “Or maybe it is. We just need to use it correctly.” He turned off the shield.

  Demeanor returned. “They have added to their offer.”